Strategies for dealing with delayed processing of bullying at work

Azq said:

I tried to be more assertive and he told me that I was a 'bossy woman'

So long as you are being assetive and not aggressive then keep doing it. If you can get witnesses or this in writing then it gives a good basis in case you ever need to bring a discrimination claim against the company.

When they say you are being bossy, then take the time to write a response after when you have had time to cool down and process the conversation and write an email explaining why you felt offended by this statement and that would they please refrain from doing it again in future.

Remember to keep copies of all this correspondence in your private, external email as a safeguard.

You report it  can take days to process an interaction. This is something you may be able to speed up by writing down the issue and trying to make notes around it of how it made you feel. If you can try to think of whether this is related to just this incident, whether it has occurred before with that person, what previous outcomes were, how you felt then etc.

This will help you capture a lot of key info in one place that are easy to review and refer back to later. I found it tremendously helpful in developing ways to develop responses much more quickly and build my confidence in my own processing when the things were happening.

I can now do it more or less in real time and explain to the person why it is offending me, how it makes me feel or why I feel it inappropriate etc - with practice comes confidence.

Azq said:

You could suggest that these managers are incompetent and perhaps I should not be working for them.

Their interactions seem very common for neurotypicals to me. Some environments encourage it more than others but I would expect you get the same thing in most jobs so dealing with it is - I feel - your best approach.

If you don't use one already I would strongly advise getting a therapist (one who is experienced in helping autists) and ask them to help you on developing skills to cope with these interactions. I would expect a handful of sessions would be needed to teach you the skills and get you practicing them and help you plan how to make it sustainable.

Azq said:

He sat me down during a meeting and said, "Was she meant to be a software engineer?" There was no context for the meeting or even any previous discussion about the situation.

This sort of situation is one you can use the Reasonable Adjustments to help with I think. Make sure HR and your manager know of your diagnosis and ask them to make the Reasonable Adjustment of having important meetings relating to your performance to be performed in writing to allow you to process it effectively.

This should allow you to have plenty of time to digest it and also make them think twice before committing it to paper (ie they could be sued if they get it wrong) and make them do it properly.

That about sums it up from me.

If it is any help, I found my career improved significantly when I was abe to do the writing down technique (I use mind mapping which is a technique you can look up) as it helped me avoid keeping too much info in my chaotic head when trying to process it.

Good luck

No, I wasn't agressive. I just asked a question directly for clarity. E.g. 'Is that my job or your job?'. I also gave a presentation with an authoritative air e.g. ' don't release the software to the test station with XYZ type of bugs.'. He then started saying that I was bossy or a bossy woman. 

I actually filled a complaint about this manager and thet said my claims were 'unsubstantiated' because there were no witnesses etc.

Good idea about the written feedback.

Azq said:

I just asked a question directly for clarity. E.g. 'Is that my job or your job?'. I also gave a presentation with an authoritative air e.g. ' don't release the software to the test station with XYZ type of bugs.'.

I can easily see why this would be seen as aggressive - inflection on how you say it (or even how he hears it) can make it seem as accusational.

It is one of those horrible subtleties of language that are really hard to learn and even then not everyone is playing on a level playing field.

My suggestion is rathe than making it a almost a push back asking him to give an answer (the implication being that he should already have made it clear), make it a request for clarification instead - asking for the benefit of their wisdom so you are almost stroking their ego (yeah, it sucks I know but it does work)

Something like "can you clarify whose responsibility this is?" is one way to do this.

With the other phrase you are directing them - a direct instruction not to do something. This can be seen to threaten their authority so a safer way would be to give your professional opinion and ask them to consider it, eg "I would strongly recommend not releasing the software to the test station with XYG type of bugs. I can give more detail on why if you like".

Here you give them the illusion of control, of making a decision when you have already made it for them. Control is theirs once more.

I spent some time studying this sort of human interaction many years ago as the whole area of headology is fascinating and you can get so much more done once you know how to get inside peoples heads with these little interactions.

Just some observations and things to think about. The decision is yours on whether to use it of course...

Azq said:

I just asked a question directly for clarity. E.g. 'Is that my job or your job?'. I also gave a presentation with an authoritative air e.g. ' don't release the software to the test station with XYZ type of bugs.'.

I can easily see why this would be seen as aggressive - inflection on how you say it (or even how he hears it) can make it seem as accusational.

It is one of those horrible subtleties of language that are really hard to learn and even then not everyone is playing on a level playing field.

My suggestion is rathe than making it a almost a push back asking him to give an answer (the implication being that he should already have made it clear), make it a request for clarification instead - asking for the benefit of their wisdom so you are almost stroking their ego (yeah, it sucks I know but it does work)

Something like "can you clarify whose responsibility this is?" is one way to do this.

With the other phrase you are directing them - a direct instruction not to do something. This can be seen to threaten their authority so a safer way would be to give your professional opinion and ask them to consider it, eg "I would strongly recommend not releasing the software to the test station with XYG type of bugs. I can give more detail on why if you like".

Here you give them the illusion of control, of making a decision when you have already made it for them. Control is theirs once more.

I spent some time studying this sort of human interaction many years ago as the whole area of headology is fascinating and you can get so much more done once you know how to get inside peoples heads with these little interactions.

Just some observations and things to think about. The decision is yours on whether to use it of course...

I understand. I view that as having to walk on eggshells or having to cater to people. I prefer direct and clear communication. I also think yes, as a manager he should have already had the clarity on a routine task. 

I'd also say there was a Chinese woman who said whatever she liked and however she liked and he would always play the culture card for her but if I did that, I was told that I was bossy.

Overall, I did think he was a useless manager.