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Strategies for dealing with delayed processing of bullying at work

Azq

I'm 36, and I was recently diagnosed with both Autism and ADHD (AuDHD).

One of my traits is delayed processing of negative social interactions. For example, if someone subtly insults me, the incident is burned into my memory, but I freeze or get so confused that I am unable to respond in the moment. I then ruminate and analyze the irrational behavior after a few days.

It's generally true that I don't expect to be insulted at work, but there are a lot of idiots and toxic managers out there in the software industry.

I'll give you an example from a previous manager:

I made a mistake on one project. I had high scores on all my performance reviews, and even this manager said I was the best in the department at a specific topic. However, I slipped up once in 2.5 years.

He sat me down during a meeting and said, "Was she meant to be a software engineer?" There was no context for the meeting or even any previous discussion about the situation.

As someone with years of experience, who has delivered many features over the years, and graduated from a prestigious university, I found that to be profoundly offensive.

Arguably, even a neurotypical person would find his behavior ridiculous and see that comment as a put-down rather than a meaningful conversation to address an issue.

Days later, after my brain processed the interaction, I mentioned it to him. He was mortified and wondered why I didn't address it in the moment. It's because I can't! My brain doesn’t work that way.

I tried to be more assertive and he told me that I was a 'bossy woman'.

It greatly affects my wellbeing causing anxiety and rumination.

This particular person does this often and it was not just a one-time incident. He seemed to lack communication skills and self-awareness.

This cycle often happens after the other person has forgotten the interaction (although that could also be gaslighting). If an interaction at work is not memorable and meaningful enough to remember, then I don't understand why it is occurring.

You could suggest that these managers are incompetent and perhaps I should not be working for them.

Can you suggest any strategies to handle this conundrum?

Parents
  • Azq said:
    I tried to be more assertive and he told me that I was a 'bossy woman'

    So long as you are being assetive and not aggressive then keep doing it. If you can get witnesses or this in writing then it gives a good basis in case you ever need to bring a discrimination claim against the company.

    When they say you are being bossy, then take the time to write a response after when you have had time to cool down and process the conversation and write an email explaining why you felt offended by this statement and that would they please refrain from doing it again in future.

    Remember to keep copies of all this correspondence in your private, external email as a safeguard.

    You report it  can take days to process an interaction. This is something you may be able to speed up by writing down the issue and trying to make notes around it of how it made you feel. If you can try to think of whether this is related to just this incident, whether it has occurred before with that person, what previous outcomes were, how you felt then etc.

    This will help you capture a lot of key info in one place that are easy to review and refer back to later. I found it tremendously helpful in developing ways to develop responses much more quickly and build my confidence in my own processing when the things were happening.

    I can now do it more or less in real time and explain to the person why it is offending me, how it makes me feel or why I feel it inappropriate etc - with practice comes confidence.

    Azq said:
    You could suggest that these managers are incompetent and perhaps I should not be working for them.

    Their interactions seem very common for neurotypicals to me. Some environments encourage it more than others but I would expect you get the same thing in most jobs so dealing with it is - I feel - your best approach.

    If you don't use one already I would strongly advise getting a therapist (one who is experienced in helping autists) and ask them to help you on developing skills to cope with these interactions. I would expect a handful of sessions would be needed to teach you the skills and get you practicing them and help you plan how to make it sustainable.

    Azq said:
    He sat me down during a meeting and said, "Was she meant to be a software engineer?" There was no context for the meeting or even any previous discussion about the situation.

    This sort of situation is one you can use the Reasonable Adjustments to help with I think. Make sure HR and your manager know of your diagnosis and ask them to make the Reasonable Adjustment of having important meetings relating to your performance to be performed in writing to allow you to process it effectively.

    This should allow you to have plenty of time to digest it and also make them think twice before committing it to paper (ie they could be sued if they get it wrong) and make them do it properly.

    That about sums it up from me.

    If it is any help, I found my career improved significantly when I was abe to do the writing down technique (I use mind mapping which is a technique you can look up) as it helped me avoid keeping too much info in my chaotic head when trying to process it.

    Good luck

Reply
  • Azq said:
    I tried to be more assertive and he told me that I was a 'bossy woman'

    So long as you are being assetive and not aggressive then keep doing it. If you can get witnesses or this in writing then it gives a good basis in case you ever need to bring a discrimination claim against the company.

    When they say you are being bossy, then take the time to write a response after when you have had time to cool down and process the conversation and write an email explaining why you felt offended by this statement and that would they please refrain from doing it again in future.

    Remember to keep copies of all this correspondence in your private, external email as a safeguard.

    You report it  can take days to process an interaction. This is something you may be able to speed up by writing down the issue and trying to make notes around it of how it made you feel. If you can try to think of whether this is related to just this incident, whether it has occurred before with that person, what previous outcomes were, how you felt then etc.

    This will help you capture a lot of key info in one place that are easy to review and refer back to later. I found it tremendously helpful in developing ways to develop responses much more quickly and build my confidence in my own processing when the things were happening.

    I can now do it more or less in real time and explain to the person why it is offending me, how it makes me feel or why I feel it inappropriate etc - with practice comes confidence.

    Azq said:
    You could suggest that these managers are incompetent and perhaps I should not be working for them.

    Their interactions seem very common for neurotypicals to me. Some environments encourage it more than others but I would expect you get the same thing in most jobs so dealing with it is - I feel - your best approach.

    If you don't use one already I would strongly advise getting a therapist (one who is experienced in helping autists) and ask them to help you on developing skills to cope with these interactions. I would expect a handful of sessions would be needed to teach you the skills and get you practicing them and help you plan how to make it sustainable.

    Azq said:
    He sat me down during a meeting and said, "Was she meant to be a software engineer?" There was no context for the meeting or even any previous discussion about the situation.

    This sort of situation is one you can use the Reasonable Adjustments to help with I think. Make sure HR and your manager know of your diagnosis and ask them to make the Reasonable Adjustment of having important meetings relating to your performance to be performed in writing to allow you to process it effectively.

    This should allow you to have plenty of time to digest it and also make them think twice before committing it to paper (ie they could be sued if they get it wrong) and make them do it properly.

    That about sums it up from me.

    If it is any help, I found my career improved significantly when I was abe to do the writing down technique (I use mind mapping which is a technique you can look up) as it helped me avoid keeping too much info in my chaotic head when trying to process it.

    Good luck

Children
  • in reply to Iain

    No, I wasn't agressive. I just asked a question directly for clarity. E.g. 'Is that my job or your job?'. I also gave a presentation with an authoritative air e.g. ' don't release the software to the test station with XYZ type of bugs.'. He then started saying that I was bossy or a bossy woman. 

    I actually filled a complaint about this manager and thet said my claims were 'unsubstantiated' because there were no witnesses etc.

    Good idea about the written feedback.