Book marriage advice ND/ND that you could recommend, please?

I think thats just relationships, whatever the neurological status of those involved.

The best books I've ever seen on understanding realtionships are the Ladybird books, 'The Husband' and 'The Wife', somehow they seem to explain all the problems certain behavious cause and explain why.

But then I'm a disaster area where relationships are concerned and any advice of mine is probably best ignored.

I truly appreciate your reply!

 I think many of us, human beings, we do some things right and some things wrong facing problems, conflicts. 

I will tell my husband how you were able to turned this around.

Yes, I bet there are issues I need working on too. I'm ready. 

During my upbringing I've only been around adults, couples, that were to later split up or divorce, families that took me in, relative's, friend's, so that alone scared me that I may have learned things the wrong way, after all. These are adults I looked up to, figured if anything they must know.

I'm still grateful they took me in the way they did and can't believe they did that. I was also handed off with great generosity as my mom was the way she was. My dad would insist on wanting her to drop me off with him or him picking me up, but she would not let him, even if he was a good dad and I don't know if it was revenge or what why I was instead left with others beside him.

I was to find out other things on my own where I could tell it was down to childish revenge on her part, using me as the best tool possible to get back at him. But it was as if he got that and he wasn't playing that game. 

I told my husband before I'm really insecure about this marital stuff as I don't know the way and don't want to see us end up divorcing, especially when we got to be a family. I wanted us to get help before we got in trouble, if that makes sense. But he thought we were fine and we were, back then, but I knew it would come in one shape or another. I would tell him I don't know how to be, but before I pretended to be someone I wasn't in order to be with my ex, and I'm done with all that. This is me. Take it or leave it. What ever you think is wrong with me you need to say it and not play any games. I don't like games. Some people seem to love games. Seem to think that is the very ingredient a romantic relationship should have. I on the other hand see it as poison. Pretending. Manipulations. Not sure what is going on. 

One other defect he's picked up on, one of his parents being this way, is that he would be passive-aggressive.
I would tell him how that made me feel, that it is not isolated to that specific time, but that I began to feel I had to protect myself, could not relax as I never knew what it would be or when he would express his passive-aggressiveness. When he would do that I would confront him about it and tell him that if he had a problem with me to spit it out then. Put the cards on the table. He then at first viewed my way of reacting to it as if I would overreact, but I did that because I understood what it would do to me, to us in the long run. Neither of the homes I've come from have had that, passive-aggressiveness, or if they have had it it has passed me by, unnoticed. 

He did not get rid of his passive-aggressive ways until he was actually told the very same thing by someone else I've never met or talked to about this as if that is what it took for him to get it, time too to change it. It hasn't appeared since. I don't think he ever questioned anything being wrong, his parents having any type of defects in their way of being when getting mad at each other, but he instead took pride in him having parents that are married. I've pointed out that there are defects, but they still made the choice to continue their relationship, but worst of it is that they taught you this is the way to go about it, when it's not. I love him very much and our family tremendously and much is working the way it should be so I want us to make it. I don't want the defects, like monsters, to eat up everything else that is good, and I know they can do that. 

Table1 said:

He says I barely critique him on anything but that he can't help him reacting that way when I do.

I used yo be like this and during a time when my wife and I (she is NT & I'm ND)  and this was one of the issues that came up.

The therapist was very experienced with autists (she has 2 grown autistic children and decades as a therapist) and has a quite blunt approach that works well for me.

The point here is she said that although the behaviour may have roots in autism, it is still a fully concious response that can be changed with practice, and a refusal to try is just bad behaviour - I think she said it was me being an a-hole which helped me re-evaluate my position.

In essence I was giving a knee jerk defence response that I had developed because it stopped my partner from pushing further in an area I felt vulnerable about.

My practice to deal with this was to pause when I received criticism, say back to the person "what I am hearing is ...." and tell them what I hear and they can then clarify it so we are both on the same page - then try to step out of myself to consider if the criticism is valid (taking out the emotional response) and talk about it briefly to make sure both are aware of the scope of what we are talking about.

At this point I have had enough time to consider if I had been the a-hole in which case an apology and change in behaviour is in order or we talk about the issue to try to find common ground or where compromise is needed.

It takes quite a lot of effort to break the inertia of the self defence but it makes you both a better person to be around and helps you understand your partner better.

This is only my experience and I do not know the specifics of your partners mental health so it would be unwise to consider it a sure thing for them, but the couples therapist (they must be well versed in dealing with autists) is a great way to break these chains that are weighing you down.

One last thing - you will also find there are issues you need to work on too as it is rarely a case of it is all one partners fault - be ready to find out some uncomfortable things about yourself.

Good luck