Coping with blended families

MummyDidIt said:

I am starting a relationship with another divorcee but am really struggling with the concept of the blended family

This is a really difficult thing to navigate as you have a mix of your own families and relationships history/traditions that have become ingrained in your psyche and the same for your new partner.

With both of you being divorcees I would expect there is both a lot of emotional baggage and barriers present and my experience of people in this situation is that it can take years for things to start to feel normal.

As you are not yet divorced then there is possibly a reluctance for your new partner to commit in case you decide to get back together with your ex.

If this is your first relationship post divorce then there can also be a degree of commitment avoidance from either side where they want things to feel right before making an announcement about it, especially if the people they are telling know the ex well.

There may be concerns over being seen as getting "over" the divorce too fast, family who are still friendly with the ex and this will cause divided loyalties etc.

Overall I think it is best to try to be as relaxed about it as you can be and keep your expectations low as you build on the basics of the relationship. Once you have been together for a longish time - say a year and many shared experiences - then it would be worth talking about this sort of event (Christmas) well in advance and talk through the issues without the events being really soon in the future.

If your partner is neurotypical and they know about your autism then there are some good books that help them understand and interact more effectively with you, but I would only go down that route if they are accepting of your autism and are interested in engaging with you over it.

If they are not engaging then I would have low expectations of the relationship - based on my personal experiences.

I'm writing this from the perspective of an older autistic male though - and being some random off the internet. You should consider anything I say in this light.

I've a trail of "failed" relationships behind me, but I've often wondered if I gave the benefit of the doubt to new partners to readily, as when I look back I can see the points that raised red flags that I ignored.

We're brought up with the idea of life long relationships as being the ideal, but not all of us manage it or are suited to them. We grow and change through life and some patners grow and change with us and others try and hold us back. I'm not suited to long term relationships, I'm not sure I'm suited to any relationship for that matter, partners take up to much bandwidth.

Thank you! I'm going to ask. New relationships are scary, especially when you feel that you've messed up all the relationships you've ever had. 

Maybe you should tell him that you'd like to be introduced to his family and see what he says? If he's unwilling or makes excuses then think about whether this is a relationship you wish to continue with?

More than a couple of months...

How long have you been together?

If it's more than a couple of months I'd be getting red flags too at them not even knowing you exist. If he has a carer role then maybe the person who he's caring for does have to come first, but other than that, hmm, sounds iffy and like he needs to put some boundaries in place.

The other thing is how can it be a blended family if you're not part of it?

Playing second fiddle to everyone in his family. We arrange something for us two and then something comes up with his family, and I get dropped. He hasn't told them about me yet. I'm getting warning sounds in my head. 

What sort of things are you struggling with?

Other peoples xmasses are always a bit odd, they rarely have the same traditions as "we" do and it can all get a bit fraught when traditions collide, I got told off for serving bread sauce, my family always have it, but my ex's family never did, then there's when you open presents, when you have dinner, do you watch telly and all sorts?