Hi everyone. I've just joined and would like to say hi.

Hi Number, and thank you for your kind words. I think I've lost all of my confidence, and I've always had low self esteem and I don't like to be a burden on anyone. I think this combination, on top of my undiagnosed conditions, have directed the path I find myself on. I fully intend to stick around on here. Just to hear other folks with similar stories to mine, is overwhelming me with emotions. I think, as I get used to talking about myself with you all, It will be the best help I've ever had. My head is barraged with so much to try to say that it's giving me a slight headache. I know this place is going to help me come to terms with my conditions and being able to talk to all you great people is like finding an oasis in the desert. I'm very scared and sad at the moment and feel vulnerable talking about myself, but I'm going to do my best to learn about myself and I appreciate all you folks reaching out to me with such such kind and educating words and support.

Hi and thank you lawlozuk! 

You are Welcome.

After reading your posts again I have had some ideas about things you could try.

1. You say your doctor's practice have you down as "depression and anxiety" but have they offered any treatment for this? There are medications that help some people to cope better and your doctor should help with this.

 2. Have you taken any online autism screening tests? The AQ50 is one of the tests used by the medical profession, and if you got a high score on that you could use this to support a request for referral for a professional autism diagnosis, if you would like one. The test is available here:

https://psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient

3. I understand how you feel about your neighbours, but moving might not help. Try to ignore what they say - there is no such thing as "normal"  and not talking to people doesn't make you a bad neighbour. We're all different on here, but we are all valid human beings. Hopefully talking with us will help you with this.

4. You say you prefer being awake at night and I get that, because it's quieter, but our brains are programmed to prefer being awake during the day and being nocturnal can make many people depressed. Try changing to being awake during the day, and use headphones/earplugs if noises from outside bother you. You could take your rubbish out late just before you go to bed, or during weekdays if most of your neighbours work - whichever is the most likely time not to see other people.

5. Shopping - do you get groceries delivered by doing an online shop? If so, try ordering only the essentials - no treats - then schedule a day each week to go to the shop nearest to you to buy a couple of treats, so you have a reward for going out.

6. You say you miss your mum's birthday and usually sleep over the festive period. Could your mum come and visit you on her birthday, your birthday and Christmas?

Keep.reading posts on here and ask us any questions you might have.

Greetings thomas!

Hello Thomas, and welcome to this place.

I am happy for you finding us here and I can reassure you that, even if you have been "falling back" in your world and your mood for a while...........these things can be arrested, and then reversed.  It does take time, and it isn't easy......but it is achievable.  Change is the key.....but "change" is very hard for many of us here!

You write with honesty and clarity = This is a MASSIVE head-start !  The things you write about will have massive resonance with many people here, and they certainly chime loudly with various portions and periods of my life.....and indeed, my current in some regards.

Stick around, and see what happens.

Hi Shardovan, and thank you for your reply. Yes, I'm seeing so many things I can relate to in other folks conversations on here. I find it very difficult to sleep at night. I'm up most of the night, I think it's because I know everyone's asleep and no one will come to my door or call my phone. And I sleep most days as I get to avoid all the people who are awake. Crazy reasoning I know, I've just become so withdrawn from society. Yes, I think it will be good for me to chat to others who experience similar situations to my own. I've been up all night and I'm getting a little tired now. Thank you so much for your compassion and empathy, I'll come back online here when I awake later. This has been a good day for me today. I'm so happy to have found you all. And I'll try to get my head around to registering with a dentist, I haven't been able to register as I know that I miss so many (nearly all) appointments.

thomas said:

I know my depression and anxiety are side effects of my undiagnosed condition

Hello Thomas, welcom to the forum.

I'm a "solutions suggestor" sort of person and can be a bit blunt but please don't take this personally.

To me it seems your best option is to get a diagnosis. Without it you will find it hard to get people to take your condition seriously so I would push your doctor for a referral to be diagnosed using the "right to choose" route they have (ie they send you to a private assessment).

You may be able to arrange for this to be performed over video conference so do you think you would be able to do that?

As for your neighbours, it is quite a normal reaction from neurotypicals given the situation but I don't think they are going to be banging on your door with pitchforks and burning torches just because you are a hermit. My advice would be to learn to ignore them.

A move will only delay the same thing happening elsewhere so best to desensitise yourself to it.

I go through periods where I like to shut myself away for a few days too - but you seem to be creating problems through it with potential health issues with the rubbish and the risk of being isolated if you fall ill.

I would take some time to document your issues and have these ready for when you have your assessment.

With luck you will eventually be assessed and diagnosed, the GP will arrange some therapy to help you find coping mechanisms for some of your issues and you can improve your quality of life.

But only if you want to of course.

I think that 'autistic burnout' can easily be mistaken for depression - even by us before we truly knew ourselves. That thing of feeling OK at home/in your own company is significant. I heard someone say that for autistic people it's the neurotypically-skewed environment (most of society!) that's disabling to us. It compels us to be square pegs in round holes... at least somewhat. There are sympathetic corners of 'out there' (maybe a walk in the park, a quiet library, a cosy quiet shop at an un-busy hour) that you could maybe try in small doses. On the other hand, you're doing no harm exactly as you are. So i hope I'm not sounding prescriptive! We all have to do what we can to cope, know thyself and all that...

No judgement here - I'd say you've found your tribe! Crying with relief is understandable, you know you are not alone. We are diffusely spread societally but here we all are (or at least a fair few of us) and, while not two autistic/neurodivergent people are ever exactly alike, there's so much common ground and relatability in what you're saying, and this is the best of safe-spaces to say it.

I've seen others here talk of last-minute missing of appointments too. But if you can, and when you feel you have the energy, I would urge you to reach out to a dentist, a doctor, or both. And just be honest about your challenges, their job is to help not to judge. I wish you a toothache-free life, but it's good to be in a place of prevention not cure... but one step at a time. :-)

Hi Shardovan. I'm so greatful for the replies I've had, and the welcome, ty so much. I must admit I'm crying a little as I've never really expressed my conditions to anyone except my previous doctors and I never get a definitive answer to what my condition might be.  I haven't seen a dentist for about 5 years now, and my teeth are in a terrible state. I'd make appointments then miss them, as I do with many appointments etc. then I'd have to pay fines for missing appointments. I've gotten myself into a bad state physically and mentally in recent years, It just seems to be getting worse.  Thank you so much for reaching out, It means so much to me.

P.S. Even getting out those 15 times is something to be proud of. Just as most of those trips are mostly taking your rubbish to the bin, hopefully each trip here helps you do the mental equivalent - decluttering your mind and feeling the benefits. We do have some silly fun too, so hopefully you can get what you need here at any given time. 

P.P.S.  totally get the curtains closed/little lighting thing. The world is so bright! At least this time of year it's much less so (ah, but then all those LED lights that have taken over every streetlight and car... ugh). Don't let your neighbours get you down, they don't understand the sensory/environmental overwhelm you're dealing with. Take care. 

Hi thomas, welcome - nice community here and I hope you feel welcome and supported :-) 

Hi Pixiefox, and thank you for welcoming me to the forum. I've moved house so many times in the past 15 years and have been here 5 years at this house. I called my housing dept and asked if I could get a move from here as my neighbours now realise that I'm very withdrawn and basically live like a hermit and talk about me.  they said I need a letter from my doctor, I had just joined the practice and got a new doctor. I asked her for a letter for my housing and she became quite angry on the phone and said 'your housing knows not to ask me for letters, and I asked 'who should I ask?' and she said 'I don't know' and passed me to the receptionist who said, 'if we give you a letter, we'd have to give everyone a letter and you'd all be in the same place anyway' So since then, I haven't asked them for anything as I feel they aren't really interested in my wellbeing. I asked if they had read my files and they said they hadn't They have me down as depression and anxiety, but I know my depression and anxiety are side effects of my undiagnosed condition I can be quite happy at times knowing I'm safe in my house. I miss so many things like my mums birthdays, keeping in touch with people, I usually sleep over the festive period and find myself being up all night and sleeping only when exhaustion kicks in normally. I think I prefer the quiet of night, as no one is around to knock on my door or call me, and my head is clearer at night I'm sorry for going on, I have so much to hopefully get to discuss and hope others can associate with my situations.  Thank you!

Hi Thomas and welcome to the forum.

Do you think you could speak to your doctor on the phone? I would recommend getting their help with your issues. Wishing you all the best.