The relationships and intimacy strategy thread

For me fear of rejection was a great inhibitor to starting any sort of relationship. I was unable to recognise if someone was attracted to me. For NTs all the body language and subtle non-verbal signalling means that before anything is said they know whether or not their interest in someone is reciprocated. I, and I think many other autistic people, are blind (or at least partially sighted) in this regard. In this information vacuum it requires a lot of courage to make any sort of advance.

I met my future wife in a research lab at a university. When we first met she had a boyfriend, but a few years later her boyfriend moved out of the country for work and they broke up. I had always found her attractive, being intelligent, down to earth, simpático and 'my type' physically. At the departmental Christmas party we sat together bellyaching to each other about colleagues. I came to the realisation that she was an ideal match and, in a spirit of 'now or never', I had an unusual access of courage. Soon after the party I asked her to go out to the pub. Unfortunately, we chose a pub that was close to work and after we had been there for about half an hour virtually everyone we knew from work arrived. Keeping our nascent relationship confidential was blown out of the water. For a while we were working and living about 150 miles apart and the strains of a long-distance relationship and alternating travelling each weekend put a strain on our relationship and bank balances, but eventually we managed to get jobs in the same place and about a year later were married.

As regards physical intimacy, I have a profound dislike of bodily contact with people I do not know well. However, once I know someone well and there is a degree of emotional attachment I have no problem at all with physical contact and, if appropriate, sexual intimacy.

For me fear of rejection was a great inhibitor to starting any sort of relationship. I was unable to recognise if someone was attracted to me. For NTs all the body language and subtle non-verbal signalling means that before anything is said they know whether or not their interest in someone is reciprocated. I, and I think many other autistic people, are blind (or at least partially sighted) in this regard. In this information vacuum it requires a lot of courage to make any sort of advance.

I met my future wife in a research lab at a university. When we first met she had a boyfriend, but a few years later her boyfriend moved out of the country for work and they broke up. I had always found her attractive, being intelligent, down to earth, simpático and 'my type' physically. At the departmental Christmas party we sat together bellyaching to each other about colleagues. I came to the realisation that she was an ideal match and, in a spirit of 'now or never', I had an unusual access of courage. Soon after the party I asked her to go out to the pub. Unfortunately, we chose a pub that was close to work and after we had been there for about half an hour virtually everyone we knew from work arrived. Keeping our nascent relationship confidential was blown out of the water. For a while we were working and living about 150 miles apart and the strains of a long-distance relationship and alternating travelling each weekend put a strain on our relationship and bank balances, but eventually we managed to get jobs in the same place and about a year later were married.

As regards physical intimacy, I have a profound dislike of bodily contact with people I do not know well. However, once I know someone well and there is a degree of emotional attachment I have no problem at all with physical contact and, if appropriate, sexual intimacy.

Martin said:

For NTs all the body language and subtle non-verbal signalling means that before anything is said they know whether or not their interest in someone is reciprocated. I, and I think many other autistic people, are blind (or at least partially sighted) in this regard. In this information vacuum it requires a lot of courage to make any sort of advance.

Yes, I think this can be a very big barrier for us.