The relationships and intimacy strategy thread

This is so complicated for me that I've found it very hard to respond.

There are so many things in the mix with regard to being able to enter into a friendship or relationship that I'm just going to start with subjects.

So:

1.  Male or female? (or neither, of course).

You and I have discussed this before.

I believe it is very hard for females to enter into relationships too if they are autistic.

However, I'm sure that it differs between us.

2.  Are you considered attractive, whether or not you are autistic?

This is a major factor and I think that if the answer is 'no' then there are lots of things that a person can do to help themselves eg. cleanliness, tidiness, smart clothes etc.

Attraction tends to start in the 1st place with looks - not always of course, but often

I believe that we tend to be attracted to people, whether as friends or other, to people similar in looks to ourselves.

3.  One of the major criteria for autism is communication differences.

So, if you think about where you differ from NTs (if it is NTs you are considering being in a 'relationship' with) then I'd say trying to work on that is ultra important.

If you are thinking of being involved with another autistic person, I know, from personal experience, that communication differences still exist.

4.  Signals. 

Do you pick up on signals?  If not, do you have to try to overcome shyness, vulnerability etc and just take a chance, if someone appears to show some interest in you?

5.  Try to drop your misconceptions - if you believe that women are just attracted to men with money + a nice car etc irrespective of their personality, you are so wrong.

6.  Eye contact - do you make eye contact?  If you don't, this can put people off until they get to know you as a person.

7.  What do you do to meet people?  I've had conversations here in the past where people don't go out to meet others, in clubs or crafts events - anything really.  If you don't work either or only at home, being isolated is going to make meeting someone so hard unless it is via the internet with the difficulties that can also involve.

That'll do for now, but my mind is teaming with the various issues involved.

Great thread, by-the-way.

I think there are a number of “gates” that hinder people like me:

• finding opportunities and venues to actually meet other humans 
• being physically attractive enough to get a second look from someone
• being well enough presented not to deter people
• striking up an initial conversation
• recognising someone is interested or not
• knowing how to reciprocate if they are
• rejection sensitivity 

I take a while to build a mental model of other people and relax around them so things like meeting in bars would never work for me, it has to be with repeated exposure.

In my teens and 20s I had a friend who was stereotypically very good looking. Every time we went out he’d be approached by women. He wasn’t the brightest and had desperately bad chat, but the women didn’t seem to care. While I don’t think I’m hideous, I have a much higher initial barrier to getting women to even notice I exist.

Side note: I recently saw him and he’s now bald and slightly chubby while I have a full head of blond hair and am in good shape. Ironic.

I think there are a number of “gates” that hinder people like me:

• finding opportunities and venues to actually meet other humans 
• being physically attractive enough to get a second look from someone
• being well enough presented not to deter people
• striking up an initial conversation
• recognising someone is interested or not
• knowing how to reciprocate if they are
• rejection sensitivity 

I take a while to build a mental model of other people and relax around them so things like meeting in bars would never work for me, it has to be with repeated exposure.

In my teens and 20s I had a friend who was stereotypically very good looking. Every time we went out he’d be approached by women. He wasn’t the brightest and had desperately bad chat, but the women didn’t seem to care. While I don’t think I’m hideous, I have a much higher initial barrier to getting women to even notice I exist.

Side note: I recently saw him and he’s now bald and slightly chubby while I have a full head of blond hair and am in good shape. Ironic.

Thanks Debbie ️️

It occurs to me that there is another issue which is actually well described by a quote in my bio

Deleted User said:

I think there are a number of “gates” that hinder people like me:

• finding opportunities and venues to actually meet other humans 
• being physically attractive enough to get a second look from someone
• being well enough presented not to deter people
• striking up an initial conversation
• recognising someone is interested or not
• knowing how to reciprocate if they are
• rejection sensitivity 

These points correspond with mine.

From our previous PMs and your interactions here on the forum, you would appeal to me as a partner.

However, once people meet in person, that's a whole different ball game isn't it!

Social anxiety held me back many a time.