The relationships and intimacy strategy thread

Good idea for a thread. I sometimes feel a bit guilty because I've been married for over 40 years and there are so many people who cannot find their "Other half", but I'll try to help if I can.

So, how did we meet? - through mutual friends. I had to take the lead and ask him if he'd like to go out with me though - so for straight girls reading this, remember that guys may be very shy, and so, they are often grateful that a girl shows an interest in them. They are not always good at recognising flirting - particularly if they are autistic, so it may help to be more direct, with a friendly smile of course. I know that many girls wouldn't dream of asking a guy out, but in my opinion that could be why some of them are still single. (What happened to "girl power"?)

How to get from "seeing someone" to officially partners? - Take the time to talk to each other and find out what their interests, likes, dislikes and opinions are. Don't pretend to like something they do if it bores you - be honest and if you have some different interests, see if you can each do those with other friends or on your own, at a mutually agreed time. I don't believe that a relationship will work if there is not enough common ground though, so if you're spending too much time away from each other doing things you can't share it might be best to move on. If you really "click" there may come a day when you realise that you want to spend your life with this person.

How to avoid jealousy and misunderstandings? - first, make sure that you both have the same level of "neediness" - I'm what some people call " high maintenance " so a lot of NT men wouldn't want to be with me. Some people think you should spend most of your time with your best friend rather than your partner - I think your partner should be your best friend - we're all different, so try to get a good match, and be completely honest with each other (oh, and ditch any good looking friends you have - no, only joking! )

I'm a bit of an old romantic, so I love to hear about people finding love. I hope others will share their experiences.

Lotus said:

so for straight girls reading this, remember that guys may be very shy, and so, they are often grateful that a girl shows an interest in them. They are not always good at recognising flirting

A very, very useful point.

I would advise being direct about asking about the flirting thing from both sexes - try to make it a bit of a joke (eg "are you flirting with me? The last time that happened you didn't need a mortgage to buy a stick of butter.") and watch for the body language on the response.

If they are playing with their hair, exposing their neck or inner wrist etc - there are loads of these worth knowing about:

https://www.wikihow.com/Read-Women's-Body-Language-for-Flirting

These are all only indications  but if you observe them then consider asking for a date later on.

I have heard from some on this site that they can't process this info when in the situation, but I would say that implies they are not prepared. If you are serious about it then you need to learn the main signs, practice watching it and be able to do it in your sleep so it is an automatic detection for you.

Lastly, learn to make positives about your special interests. They can be great conversation items and it shows when you are passionate about something. Learn to spin the positives of the interests and also to flip any questions asked to you in order to find out about the other person.

For example if they ask what is your favourite hobby and you are a sci-fi fan then tell them you love reading about possible future visions of the world and the possibilites they involve. It stimulates your curiosity and imagination and gives you hope that there can be a positive future.

Then - "but what are your hobbies?" asked to the prospective partner. Listen and take notes so you can ask follow up questions and take an interest in her. Find something to praise her for is always a bonus (ie "I've never met anyone as big a fan of Rick Astley as you before - I'm impressed") and if you feel brave, add a negative at the end to get her to respond (eg "he doesn't have a restraining order against you does he?"). Keep it light hearted and not an insult.

There are lots of good conversation ideas here:

https://www.paired.com/articles/flirty-conversation-starters

under the section "18 flirty conversation starters for date night"

Don't learn them verbatum as recalling them will probably come over as robotic - maybe keep a list of these on your phone to look at when you need a fresh idea.

Just keep questions open ended and typically the partner will help carry the conversation if they like you.

There is a huge amount to cover to look at al the aspects of dating ND/NT but this is enough from me for now.

Lotus said:

so for straight girls reading this, remember that guys may be very shy, and so, they are often grateful that a girl shows an interest in them. They are not always good at recognising flirting

A very, very useful point.

I would advise being direct about asking about the flirting thing from both sexes - try to make it a bit of a joke (eg "are you flirting with me? The last time that happened you didn't need a mortgage to buy a stick of butter.") and watch for the body language on the response.

If they are playing with their hair, exposing their neck or inner wrist etc - there are loads of these worth knowing about:

https://www.wikihow.com/Read-Women's-Body-Language-for-Flirting

These are all only indications  but if you observe them then consider asking for a date later on.

I have heard from some on this site that they can't process this info when in the situation, but I would say that implies they are not prepared. If you are serious about it then you need to learn the main signs, practice watching it and be able to do it in your sleep so it is an automatic detection for you.

Lastly, learn to make positives about your special interests. They can be great conversation items and it shows when you are passionate about something. Learn to spin the positives of the interests and also to flip any questions asked to you in order to find out about the other person.

For example if they ask what is your favourite hobby and you are a sci-fi fan then tell them you love reading about possible future visions of the world and the possibilites they involve. It stimulates your curiosity and imagination and gives you hope that there can be a positive future.

Then - "but what are your hobbies?" asked to the prospective partner. Listen and take notes so you can ask follow up questions and take an interest in her. Find something to praise her for is always a bonus (ie "I've never met anyone as big a fan of Rick Astley as you before - I'm impressed") and if you feel brave, add a negative at the end to get her to respond (eg "he doesn't have a restraining order against you does he?"). Keep it light hearted and not an insult.

There are lots of good conversation ideas here:

https://www.paired.com/articles/flirty-conversation-starters

under the section "18 flirty conversation starters for date night"

Don't learn them verbatum as recalling them will probably come over as robotic - maybe keep a list of these on your phone to look at when you need a fresh idea.

Just keep questions open ended and typically the partner will help carry the conversation if they like you.

There is a huge amount to cover to look at al the aspects of dating ND/NT but this is enough from me for now.