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Manager saying I was combative and rude

squishylea

I work from home and recently had a power cut due to storm Bert, so I was without power from Sunday morning through to Monday evening.

I text my line manager on the Sunday to warn that I may not have power the next day and rang her on Monday to say that I still had no power and that I couldn't log on to work.

When I logged back on Tuesday morning I had an email from her saying that HR were not going to pay me even though in our adverse weather and disruption policy states they would pay for up to 3 days if all reasonable attempts were made to work.

I responded with: 'I am confused, point 4 says they would treat up to three days of absence caused by disruption as special paid leave, what is the reason for not honouring this? I might have to go to citizens advice at this point as my pay keeps being targeted - I literally had no power, I lost all my frozen food, I couldn't even bathe.'

To which HR responded they had made a mistake and I would be paid for the day so as far as I was concerned the matter was closed.

Today (Wednesday) I was in a meeting with my line manager and she said that my response to her email was incredibly combative and she felt attacked.  She mentioned that she has been nothing but supportive and putting 'her neck on the line' (which I think means she was putting herself at some kind of risk?) to support me with things such as my occupational health review which is a result of my asking for reasonable adjustments, and how she made sure I didn't need to attend the London meeting recently as she knows that it was very difficult and the head of the department was not happy with the decision etc.  

She said that my response to her email made her feel like I was attacking her and 'throwing the rule book at her' because it went straight from her trying to support me to me mentioning citizens advice.

I don't understand what I have done.  I agree she has been supportive in those aspects and I did not intent to come across that at all, I was trying to be open an honest which is what she says she wants from me.  I don't want to make her feel attacked, I was just trying to be honest and mentioned citizens advice because I didn't understand and they are an institute which would be able to advise me. She said my response should have been something similar to 'Sorry, I don't understand can you tell me why they came to this decision?' which I am also confused as to why I would apologise for seeking the information and also I was trying to give context as to my situation.

I apologised but I do not think she understood my intentions or didn't want to accept.  I feel awful but I also don't understand. How do I relay this to her without coming across as rude or not genuine?

Parents

  • This is how I see it: (I'm autistic). You answer was not really directed to her - it was directed to the HR. It is as if she got in the way.

    You have already explained your reasons. But what has happened here is that you don't understand her perspective. 

    You have told her that was never your intention. 

    I would next time write her something in line with "Could you please tell them...", or "I remember reading something about... and here's what I found (and present the source) to support it . Could you please tell them...". 

    Perhaps too she felt stupid for not knowing that because had she known it she should have been the one presenting the facts to  them and you should not have to be the one to point it out to her, so she should own her part in this, she should have been the protector. but she too had no ill intention. She did not know what you knew. She sort of got away with it by only blaming you for this and saying you were rude. You would not have gotten to that place had she known and had she protected you. 

    Then you had a frustrated response as in revealing you could not take baths/shower, about the fridge. They're really not interested in that. They only care about job related stuff, I suppose. I have learned not to mix the two together. It then comes across as less professional. Just saying. However she had too an emotional response as in declaring you were rude and how she has protected you in the past. What she's really saying is she's not the enemy here, but actually in my opinion she sort of is when you knew something that important that she should have known. Instead it was as if she just got out of the way so the enemy had a good shot at you, she was passing it on, she shouldn't have. She was too weak in that particular situation. 

    Usually when these sort of things happen it is never just one's fault, it takes two to tango. It's about you having done something wrong and she having done something wrong. But it's not that bad that you can't sort it out. But both has to do their part. 

    I'm thinking too that women's way of communicating is different than how men do it. Had you written it to a guy I don't think he would have had that kind of response she had, to be fair (don't tell her that). I am female myself and I know I sort of "stand out" at times as I lean more towards a guy's way of communicating, always been that way, had more friends that were boys when growing up, found it more easier.   

Reply

  • This is how I see it: (I'm autistic). You answer was not really directed to her - it was directed to the HR. It is as if she got in the way.

    You have already explained your reasons. But what has happened here is that you don't understand her perspective. 

    You have told her that was never your intention. 

    I would next time write her something in line with "Could you please tell them...", or "I remember reading something about... and here's what I found (and present the source) to support it . Could you please tell them...". 

    Perhaps too she felt stupid for not knowing that because had she known it she should have been the one presenting the facts to  them and you should not have to be the one to point it out to her, so she should own her part in this, she should have been the protector. but she too had no ill intention. She did not know what you knew. She sort of got away with it by only blaming you for this and saying you were rude. You would not have gotten to that place had she known and had she protected you. 

    Then you had a frustrated response as in revealing you could not take baths/shower, about the fridge. They're really not interested in that. They only care about job related stuff, I suppose. I have learned not to mix the two together. It then comes across as less professional. Just saying. However she had too an emotional response as in declaring you were rude and how she has protected you in the past. What she's really saying is she's not the enemy here, but actually in my opinion she sort of is when you knew something that important that she should have known. Instead it was as if she just got out of the way so the enemy had a good shot at you, she was passing it on, she shouldn't have. She was too weak in that particular situation. 

    Usually when these sort of things happen it is never just one's fault, it takes two to tango. It's about you having done something wrong and she having done something wrong. But it's not that bad that you can't sort it out. But both has to do their part. 

    I'm thinking too that women's way of communicating is different than how men do it. Had you written it to a guy I don't think he would have had that kind of response she had, to be fair (don't tell her that). I am female myself and I know I sort of "stand out" at times as I lean more towards a guy's way of communicating, always been that way, had more friends that were boys when growing up, found it more easier.   

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