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The trials of living with a NT partner

orderlyaut

Hoping people's perspectives can help guide me here...

3+months ago, my partner moved in with me, in to my house. It wasn't until we started having little disagreements about things that I realised that I'm my authentic self when I'm at home and I mask/cope when I'm elsewhere. It's this which has really made me start my journey on path a of self-discovery. I've thought for years that I'm on the spectrum but it wasn't until I started sharing my space (for the first time) that I realised how much. 

I've seen a few posts about where ASD ends and where my personality starts and it's this which is making me a bit anxious in terms of trying to live how I feel I need to in my own home, with a partner, versus having to compromise and not be truly happy with the situation. I feel that I'm doing my best giving reasoning why certain things need to be a certain way, they are largely appreciated, but then forgotten and then having to repeat myself then causes issues. 

I realise that some of the more minor issues are just what NT people would face, so I'm having to battle with them, as well as my ND needs.

Any advice on what others have found to work would be appreciated.

Parents

  • I realised how much I struggle when we got our daughter. Earlier I had time only for myself, for my “kitchen pacing” with the music on in my headphones I could dive deep into my world while my husband was meeting his friends and I had no issue with that, which he found good (comparing his experience with his ex, who was terribly jealous and wanted to move with him everywhere) but it stopped being lovely, when I stopped having the only me time and had to do my kitchen pacing while he was at home. I could not mask anymore. First few times his reaction was shock and the question of my life “what’s wrong with you?!”. I tried to explain few times but he seemed to forget what we talked about. He has a poor memory. But now he seemed to get used to my weird ritual. This is only an example how we cope. I do my best to spend as much time as I can with my beloved “crowd of noisy people” - my husband and daughter, but my husband finally accepted the fact that I need sensory breaks alone in the kitchen and that our daughter scream is unbearable for me it’s like electric shock, so I have to wear earplugs. And he asked me the genius question- why didn’t I wear earplugs before. Well, before there was no noise at home. Now it’s constant. I reminded him how I always chose quiet side streets for walks instead the busy ones with shops. He agreed. Sorry, quite long answer. Yes, being in a relationship is about compromise. Always, regardless of being NT/ND relationship. It’s good to recognize your both strengths and weaknesses and work together and fill the gaps. 

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    Thank you for advice and sharing your story. I'm glad you've found a way to keep your neuro-spicy self content. I'm totally with you on the quite side streets! I guess it falls down to communication - we'll have to sit down together and talk things through.

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