The trials of living with a NT partner

Haha, once work men came to fix something and I felt uncomfortable, standing in a corner and stimming, answering with short sentences, no small talk, as they usually do. They finally asked my husband “what’s wrong with your wife, is she angry or in a bad mood?” 

Thank you, that does help too. I'm not too bothered by their possessions, I think it's more the space and how it's affected that affects me. 

I am the same with visitors, they just visit in the kitchen and my lounge space is just for me and my partner. It's really stressful having anyone in the house, workmen/etc and I have to run around the house and clean up after anyone has been in. 

I feel fortunate that my ex-boyfriend and his friends didn't socialise all that often, and when they did it generally tended to be for a night out.

Early on in the relationship, I can remember visiting him with my son and one of my friends. The whole point of the visit had been to introduce him to my friend, although I had omitted to tell him that. For the duration of the visit, he barely said a word to me and my friend, and seemed more interested in finding things to keep my son entertained. He later explained that the reason why he had largely ignored us was because he thought I wanted a break from my son, so that my friend and I could chat without any interruptions. It had been lovely and sweet of him (his heart was in the right place), but completely unnecessary.

Yes, compromise and good communication are definitely essential.

Interesting, for me the biggest issue was my husband’s (then boyfriend) friends coming in. I was stressed, but as he is caring, he took my stress seriously and we agreed that only one of his friends can come for coffee and they sit in the kitchen, so I caa as n leave and have my space anytime. Others - outside. Maybe it is some inconvenience for him, but he appreciates that I never make drama whenever he wants to go somewhere with his friends, even for a trip. Just an example of some compromise. Communication is the key. I had no idea about autism  at that time.

I don't have any advice I can offer, but I do sympathise.

When I was younger, myself and my then-boyfriend had agreed that as he was more-or-less living with me, he might as well move in with me officially. I did not know then that I was autistic.

Having things done a certain way wasn't an issue for me, but the one thing I really struggled with was when he had started to move some of his possessions in. One of his prized possessions had been a pair of large speakers, which took up a lot of space. The quality of sound from them was amazing, but I really hated the fact that they were so big and bulky.

You are so welcome.

Please don’t be sorry that I’m on this journey by myself, I kind of like being alone tbh so it’s no drama really. 

Thanks for your reply

Ah, looked that up and that's not what I meant. I mean I'll try and be more aware of what I'm doing, be more mindful of it.

Thank you for advice and sharing your story. I'm glad you've found a way to keep your neuro-spicy self content. I'm totally with you on the quite side streets! I guess it falls down to communication - we'll have to sit down together and talk things through.

Thank you for this, it sounds a little scary, but I'll keep it in mind if I feel we're getting off track and it feels like talking about my ND takes too much focus.

Ah that's no good that you're having to go through this by yourself, sorry to hear that. Glad you are going ahead with it regardless. I didn't even know what masking really was until I've just looked it up - I definitely do this I'll try and improve my communication and see how I get on - thank you so much for your advice.

I realised how much I struggle when we got our daughter. Earlier I had time only for myself, for my “kitchen pacing” with the music on in my headphones I could dive deep into my world while my husband was meeting his friends and I had no issue with that, which he found good (comparing his experience with his ex, who was terribly jealous and wanted to move with him everywhere) but it stopped being lovely, when I stopped having the only me time and had to do my kitchen pacing while he was at home. I could not mask anymore. First few times his reaction was shock and the question of my life “what’s wrong with you?!”. I tried to explain few times but he seemed to forget what we talked about. He has a poor memory. But now he seemed to get used to my weird ritual. This is only an example how we cope. I do my best to spend as much time as I can with my beloved “crowd of noisy people” - my husband and daughter, but my husband finally accepted the fact that I need sensory breaks alone in the kitchen and that our daughter scream is unbearable for me it’s like electric shock, so I have to wear earplugs. And he asked me the genius question- why didn’t I wear earplugs before. Well, before there was no noise at home. Now it’s constant. I reminded him how I always chose quiet side streets for walks instead the busy ones with shops. He agreed. Sorry, quite long answer. Yes, being in a relationship is about compromise. Always, regardless of being NT/ND relationship. It’s good to recognize your both strengths and weaknesses and work together and fill the gaps. 

Take5 said:

My advice is stick to being your authentic self and try to communicate well. Try to understand each other and know when alone time is needed.

Solid advice.

I would take it a step further and ask to have a monthly "relationship status" meeting to talk about stuff that is relevant to the relationship where you can almost dissociate from your day to day issues and try to look at the relationship from outside while each gives an hones feedback on stuff that is often hard to bring up and any other setting.

It helps to have an agenda to work from so you look at what is happening, what is going well (ie appreciate what you have, praise your partner when they are making an effort towards the "team" and to review what you talked about last time.

While this sounds like work, it is a great way to stop you both from taking each other for granted and to 'fess up when you are being selfish or lazy in pulling your weight. If one partner is repeatedly ignoring this or is always being an anchor pulling the relationship down then that is a sign that couples counselling is needed.

This technique was introduced to me by my therapist and we found it works really well.

Hello 

I can very much relate to what you are experiencing but in a very different way. I live with an NT partner and have been together for 27 years with 2 children one of which is autistic. I only realised at age 49 that I too am the same. My wife does not support this even though she brought it up. I am now on the waiting list for an assessment through right to choose which I’m doing alone, I have not told my partner. I have also been having therapy with a therapist who is also ND to help me understand myself better and to try and reduce my masking. The more knowledge I gain the harder it is to hide it and tbh why should anyone have to. 
I always thought I was different but had no knowledge of this and to be fair neither did my partner.

My advice is stick to being your authentic self and try to communicate well. Try to understand each other and know when alone time is needed. 
I can’t expect my partner to accept this after being together for so long but she shouldn’t expect me to carry on pretending to be someone I’m not with my new found knowledge. I wish I had known years ago and maybe things would have been different. 
I guess you both knowing who you are is a good starting point and your setting some boundaries right now which is a good thing. 

I hope things work out for you both and give it your best shot 

I have a look, thank you 

Do you mean like mentalizing? There is a good technique called DEARMAN I learnt in life skills. Have a look on YouTube.

Well welcome back and thank you for your advice. I think I'm doing my best at not trying to not say things in an annoyed tone. I guess I'll need to just keep an eye on whether I'm actually doing what I think I am. I'm aware that it's now their home too, but struggle a little with putting myself in their shoes.

Hi - I have recently joined on here after some time away and can relate to this. My husband of 6 years (together 9) has a learning disability and I was only diagnosed with my Autism in Aug 23. I like things a certain way and it can cause irritabilty or more so boarding on anger sometimes if I dont communicate my feelings in a healthy way. It is early days there though and you can start to express how you feel. I moved into my husbands first home after living alone for 8 years.