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The trials of living with a NT partner

orderlyaut

Hoping people's perspectives can help guide me here...

3+months ago, my partner moved in with me, in to my house. It wasn't until we started having little disagreements about things that I realised that I'm my authentic self when I'm at home and I mask/cope when I'm elsewhere. It's this which has really made me start my journey on path a of self-discovery. I've thought for years that I'm on the spectrum but it wasn't until I started sharing my space (for the first time) that I realised how much. 

I've seen a few posts about where ASD ends and where my personality starts and it's this which is making me a bit anxious in terms of trying to live how I feel I need to in my own home, with a partner, versus having to compromise and not be truly happy with the situation. I feel that I'm doing my best giving reasoning why certain things need to be a certain way, they are largely appreciated, but then forgotten and then having to repeat myself then causes issues. 

I realise that some of the more minor issues are just what NT people would face, so I'm having to battle with them, as well as my ND needs.

Any advice on what others have found to work would be appreciated.

Parents

  • Hello 

    I can very much relate to what you are experiencing but in a very different way. I live with an NT partner and have been together for 27 years with 2 children one of which is autistic. I only realised at age 49 that I too am the same. My wife does not support this even though she brought it up. I am now on the waiting list for an assessment through right to choose which I’m doing alone, I have not told my partner. I have also been having therapy with a therapist who is also ND to help me understand myself better and to try and reduce my masking. The more knowledge I gain the harder it is to hide it and tbh why should anyone have to. 
    I always thought I was different but had no knowledge of this and to be fair neither did my partner.

    My advice is stick to being your authentic self and try to communicate well. Try to understand each other and know when alone time is needed. 
    I can’t expect my partner to accept this after being together for so long but she shouldn’t expect me to carry on pretending to be someone I’m not with my new found knowledge. I wish I had known years ago and maybe things would have been different. 
    I guess you both knowing who you are is a good starting point and your setting some boundaries right now which is a good thing. 

    I hope things work out for you both and give it your best shot 

Reply

  • Hello 

    I can very much relate to what you are experiencing but in a very different way. I live with an NT partner and have been together for 27 years with 2 children one of which is autistic. I only realised at age 49 that I too am the same. My wife does not support this even though she brought it up. I am now on the waiting list for an assessment through right to choose which I’m doing alone, I have not told my partner. I have also been having therapy with a therapist who is also ND to help me understand myself better and to try and reduce my masking. The more knowledge I gain the harder it is to hide it and tbh why should anyone have to. 
    I always thought I was different but had no knowledge of this and to be fair neither did my partner.

    My advice is stick to being your authentic self and try to communicate well. Try to understand each other and know when alone time is needed. 
    I can’t expect my partner to accept this after being together for so long but she shouldn’t expect me to carry on pretending to be someone I’m not with my new found knowledge. I wish I had known years ago and maybe things would have been different. 
    I guess you both knowing who you are is a good starting point and your setting some boundaries right now which is a good thing. 

    I hope things work out for you both and give it your best shot 

Children
  • in reply to Take5

    Ah that's no good that you're having to go through this by yourself, sorry to hear that. Glad you are going ahead with it regardless. I didn't even know what masking really was until I've just looked it up - I definitely do this Disappointed I'll try and improve my communication and see how I get on - thank you so much for your advice.

  • in reply to Take5
    Take5 said:
    My advice is stick to being your authentic self and try to communicate well. Try to understand each other and know when alone time is needed.

    Solid advice.

    I would take it a step further and ask to have a monthly "relationship status" meeting to talk about stuff that is relevant to the relationship where you can almost dissociate from your day to day issues and try to look at the relationship from outside while each gives an hones feedback on stuff that is often hard to bring up and any other setting.

    It helps to have an agenda to work from so you look at what is happening, what is going well (ie appreciate what you have, praise your partner when they are making an effort towards the "team" and to review what you talked about last time.

    While this sounds like work, it is a great way to stop you both from taking each other for granted and to 'fess up when you are being selfish or lazy in pulling your weight. If one partner is repeatedly ignoring this or is always being an anchor pulling the relationship down then that is a sign that couples counselling is needed.

    This technique was introduced to me by my therapist and we found it works really well.