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Married to autistic man

finsrn12

I am married to a  55 year old man and we just discovered he is autistic. Everyone else around us knew something was off and I knew he was different, but I never thought it was autism. I have always tiptoed around him and tried to keep everything routine, but I have never succeeded in making him happy. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells on top of thin ice. Pretty much screwed no matter what I do. You can never make him happy, only disappoint. If I do something nice for him it’s like I’m a good girl because I did what I was supposed to. If I don’t do something, he’s butt hurt. Yes, if he gets his feelings hurt I pay for it for DAYS! Anyone have any insight or advice? I’m honestly depleted and have nothing left to give. Kind of ‘damned if I do and damned if I don’t’ situation

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  • Forgive me for my insolence but, why did you marry this fellow? He must have a modicum of decemy and charisma if you agreed to be boundnin marriage

  • in reply to GEEnie

    I had a 2 year old and had just gotten out of a bad brief marriage. My current husband is very black and white and highly intelligent. I knew I could trust him and never ever worry about him cheating on me and he is completely against drinking altogether. I knew he would be a good role model for my son and protect us. I always tell my husband that we are very good business partners and want the same things which is true. It’s just now that the kids are gone, the lack of emotional connection is very obvious. We were always on the same page with how to raise the kids. I was very fortunate to be able to stay home and homeschool my children. That is part of what I liked in the beginning is that he is very routine and I knew he would always go to work and support us. I did not realize how important the routine was to him! Now that my kids are gone, I feel like I can relax and breathe and be a lot more spontaneous. That certainly isn’t something that he likes. With that being said, the children being married and out on their own, and his mother just very recently passed away and so the last few years, he has definitely been much more depressed and withdrawn.

  • in reply to finsrn12

    Ah, the plot thickens. At least we are now aware of his good traits and overall good side. Have you tried speaking to him about how you feel? I know he has autism, but that shouldn't mean he's completely devoid of reasoning and trying to see from other perspectives.

  • in reply to GEEnie

    Oh absolutely correct with the in complete control statement! We’ve had many discussions about him treating the home like a business and me an employee! He has gotten much better about that. You are also correct about needing to be perfect in all situations which we all know no one can be. May I ask how you behave in the physical area of your relationship? He too wants to be perfect in that area, but fears failure and so he will never pursue me and ifI come on strong (or really at all), he makes himself so nervous that nothing happens. He’d rather never be intimate than risk failure. Sound familiar at all? Any suggestions as an autistic man?

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  • in reply to GEEnie

    Oh absolutely correct with the in complete control statement! We’ve had many discussions about him treating the home like a business and me an employee! He has gotten much better about that. You are also correct about needing to be perfect in all situations which we all know no one can be. May I ask how you behave in the physical area of your relationship? He too wants to be perfect in that area, but fears failure and so he will never pursue me and ifI come on strong (or really at all), he makes himself so nervous that nothing happens. He’d rather never be intimate than risk failure. Sound familiar at all? Any suggestions as an autistic man?

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