Married to autistic man

Oh absolutely correct with the in complete control statement! We’ve had many discussions about him treating the home like a business and me an employee! He has gotten much better about that. You are also correct about needing to be perfect in all situations which we all know no one can be. May I ask how you behave in the physical area of your relationship? He too wants to be perfect in that area, but fears failure and so he will never pursue me and ifI come on strong (or really at all), he makes himself so nervous that nothing happens. He’d rather never be intimate than risk failure. Sound familiar at all? Any suggestions as an autistic man?

I have an analogy that could help, possibly. 

Look at a computer and a USB flash drive. The computer is the person, and the USB flash drive is the emotion in question. 

Normally, you can plug that flash drive into the computer and the computer will automatically recognise it based on the information it has learned or has been provided. For people who don't have autism, they recognise, process and can harness those emotions and feelings quite well.

But say that computer doesn't have the necessary knowledge or files required to recognise that flash drive. I

The computer knows what it is, but doesn't know what to do with the device in question. As such, the device remains inactive until the necessary knowledge and drivers are provided in order to make both function in perfect unison. 

When I was faced with those emotions, I had seen them in action, but I didn't know how to act upon those feelings, I lacked the ability to because it was more complex to me that others.

With the right nurturing, the right information and knowledge, not to mention much patience from others in question, I was finally able to get the idea of how to feel those emotions correctly and appropriately without feeling as if I was the greatest idiot in the world :)

It took many years and much feeling, but when I did finally master the art of being myself and feeling how love works with my spouse, there has been no stopping me since :) It is a joyous thing to make my wife laugh and be so childish and playful, but showing her the love and devotion she only deserves.

To cut a long story short, perhaps, maybe he needs to be "shown the ropes" a little more. But done in a subtle manner where he can eventually grasp it on his own. Maybe he really does want to show you that you mean the world to him, but perhaps he might be feeling too ashamed of himself to lack the ability.

Being a general manager, he probably feels he must be in total control and has to be the best. But lacking this ability must be quite the blow to him. 

I could be wrong, but maybe this could probably be a good theory to work with :) 

Certainly didn’t mean to imply he doesn’t have feelings, just not express them. Most feelings come out as tears. I guess I mean he doesn’t maybe understand what he’s feeling which he would admit to. If he’s stressed, tired or especially over stimulated those emotions turn into tears not words. The flirting is important because that is fun and involves passion and desire. Maybe think of flirting as foreplay and that’s why it’s important? Whatever I write and how it may come across as insulting, please know that I do understand the difference in communication and please give me grace as I too communicate differently and never want to criticize only understand how to move forward.

OK. careful now, most of us are autistic here.

He very likely has a heart and feelings (possibly even stronger feelings than yours).

I'm not sure why flirting matters to you now (but then I am autistic)

Yes, we went to counseling and the counselor is the one who realized he was autistic(within 30 minutes) and had him take the test. My husband understands how I feel, but honestly can’t SHOW feelings, so even though he understands, his actions are still very robotic. I do feel bad that he is wired differently and struggles with relationships. He is the GM for a huge company and is great at all things that require is mind. The heart is a different story though. Feelings being brought up, is it normal for all autistic people to have no idea how to flirt? 

Ah, the plot thickens. At least we are now aware of his good traits and overall good side. Have you tried speaking to him about how you feel? I know he has autism, but that shouldn't mean he's completely devoid of reasoning and trying to see from other perspectives.

I had a 2 year old and had just gotten out of a bad brief marriage. My current husband is very black and white and highly intelligent. I knew I could trust him and never ever worry about him cheating on me and he is completely against drinking altogether. I knew he would be a good role model for my son and protect us. I always tell my husband that we are very good business partners and want the same things which is true. It’s just now that the kids are gone, the lack of emotional connection is very obvious. We were always on the same page with how to raise the kids. I was very fortunate to be able to stay home and homeschool my children. That is part of what I liked in the beginning is that he is very routine and I knew he would always go to work and support us. I did not realize how important the routine was to him! Now that my kids are gone, I feel like I can relax and breathe and be a lot more spontaneous. That certainly isn’t something that he likes. With that being said, the children being married and out on their own, and his mother just very recently passed away and so the last few years, he has definitely been much more depressed and withdrawn.

Forgive me for my insolence but, why did you marry this fellow? He must have a modicum of decemy and charisma if you agreed to be boundnin marriage

Thank you for the book recommendation. It is very hard to determine if it’s the autism or that he’s just a selfish jerk! Either way….*sigh* 

Sorry about that.

There is a person called Bunny here, who usually posts very good stuff about things like this. They seem to be lost in the recent 'upgrade'.

Firstly, I will say bear in mind that some autistic people can be total d * * cks as much as some neurotypical people can be. I hope that this is not the case and suggest that you learn to see things from his neurotype and encourage him to see things from your neurotype.

I've found a link to a book that Bunny usually advises in this situation. I also apologise. I am not as good as Bunny at this.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Loving-Someone-Aspergers-Syndrome-Understanding/dp/1608820777

Speaking as a married 55 year old recently diagnosed Autistic man, my first though is to ask "Is that you, Martha?" (names changed for humour and rules)

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