Hey I'm Joe and I'm 39 years old. At the age of 36 I was diagnosed with HFA after years of masking heavily and a lot of white lies. In 2 months time I will be turning 40 and I am currently really struggling with understanding why I am on this planet and what the point of my life is.
Like a lot of autistic people I have no friends although I have tried to make them but just struggle being around other people and having to small talk. I know for a fact most people find me really boring (overheard conversations) and any connection I make usually fizzles out as I have nothing to talk about. I've only ever had one girlfriend in my entire life when I was younger (22) and that only lasted 4 months due to my lack of empathy and understanding.
When it comes to employment it's very much the same case. My CV is very patchy with long periods of unemployment due to depression and extreme levels of anxiety. I am currently unemployed after quitting my part time job after 2 months due to stress and not having anyone to talk to when something goes wrong and this causes days/weeks of insomnia. I have tried setting my own business up as I am a qualified bicycle mechanic but I lack confidence due to the amount of times I've failed in life and have no one around me to ask for support . I have volunteered for charities but again I struggle dealing with most people and most importantly charity work doesn't pay the bills.
Family wise I only have a brother as our parents died when we were younger. But my brother doesn't understand autism although he claims he does and just belittles me all the time and is never positive with me. When I quizzed him about why he does this it's apparently because I have given up on most things in my life after a short period of time and although I have thought about cutting him out of my life I can't as he is the only person I have left in my life. The only kind of good thing in my life is that after my parents deaths I inherited some money so I currently own a small mortgage free house and only need money to pay the bills but due to my employment history this will be coming to an end very shortly,
The last few years have been really hard since my diagnosis and I feel like things are getting worse and worse to the point of where suicide is on my mind on a constant basis. I've take antidepressants before but I'm really not interseted in taking them again as all my issues will still be there and they do nothing to solve any issues.
So why should I keep on living? The older I get the more miserable I'm getting. I'm pretty much unemployable, I have zero friends, no love life and no supoort in my life.
I've also posted this on an Autistic subreddit.
