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Trying to understand on why I should keep on going with this depressing life

notyouraverageJoe84

Hey I'm Joe and I'm 39 years old. At the age of 36 I was diagnosed with HFA after years of masking heavily and a lot of white lies. In 2 months time I will be turning 40 and I am currently really struggling with understanding why I am on this planet and what the point of my life is.

Like a lot of autistic people I have no friends although I have tried to make them but just struggle being around other people and having to small talk. I know for a fact most people find me really boring (overheard conversations) and any connection I make usually fizzles out as I have nothing to talk about. I've only ever had one girlfriend in my entire life when I was younger (22) and that only lasted 4 months due to my lack of empathy and understanding.

When it comes to employment it's very much the same case. My CV is very patchy with long periods of unemployment due to depression and extreme levels of anxiety. I am currently unemployed after quitting my part time job after 2 months due to stress and not having anyone to talk to when something goes wrong and this causes days/weeks of insomnia. I have tried setting my own business up as I am a qualified bicycle mechanic but I lack confidence due to the amount of times I've failed in life and have no one around me to ask for support . I have volunteered for charities but again I struggle dealing with most people and most importantly charity work doesn't pay the bills.

Family wise I only have a brother as our parents died when we were younger. But my brother doesn't understand autism although he claims he does and just belittles me all the time and is never positive with me. When I quizzed him about why he does this it's apparently because I have given up on most things in my life after a short period of time and although I have thought about cutting him out of my life I can't as he is the only person I have left in my life. The only kind of good thing in my life is that after my parents deaths I inherited some money so I currently own a small mortgage free house and only need money to pay the bills but due to my employment history this will be coming to an end very shortly,

The last few years have been really hard since my diagnosis and I feel like things are getting worse and worse to the point of where suicide is on my mind on a constant basis. I've take antidepressants before but I'm really not interseted in taking them again as all my issues will still be there and they do nothing to solve any issues.

So why should I keep on living? The older I get the more miserable I'm getting. I'm pretty much unemployable, I have zero friends, no love life and no supoort in my life.

I've also posted this on an Autistic subreddit.

  • Regarding your brother... I can empathise there, as it sometimes feels like my family have no clue about my challenges even though they are the people who should know me best. Like you say this is probably a lack of understanding about autism. Maybe your brother is trying to do a tough love thing by pointing out your shortcomings. The thing is you will never really know how another person perceives you. I once had a meltdown in front of my sister as I thought the way she was acting showed a lack of respect but it turned out I was probably just projecting my anxieties onto her. That's why it's important to try and communicate and not assume as there is always going to be challenges in communication styles between neurotypical and neurodivergent.

  • I sort of know what your going through…a few days ago a posted up my own post about me turning 30 next week and how I have no job, partner, property, kids etc and that I feel like I’m missing something out of my life. 

    Unfortunately I don’t have a solution for you but I do think that you can keep on living. As the message from the mod suggests, you should talk to the Samaritans or make an emergency appointment with your doctor. I have had suicide thoughts before but I had my mum to help me get the support you need.

    How your brother is treating you isn’t right. Maybe see if you can sit down with him and express how you’re feeling (suicide) and say that you don’t want to be alone in all this. Maybe he will support you, if he doesn’t then everyone in the community is here for you but you should really talk to a professional like a GP or therapist and maybe talk to the Samaritans Relaxed️ x

  • Dear notyouraverageJoe84,

    Thank you for posting and telling the community what you are going through. Thank you for sharing your experiences, we are sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time. It is good that you’ve let us know what’s happening and how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.     

    If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support  

    The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. We advise you to contact 999 or any of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page if you are at risk of immediate harm: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help  

    If you are not at immediate risk of harm, we would encourage you to speak to your GP or another health professional about this if you haven’t done so already. If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service. In in England, Wales and Scotland there is now an option to speak with mental health professionals by selecting ‘option 2’ when calling NHS 111: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/  

    Help for anyone struggling to cope  

    • Samaritans: Call 116 123 for free, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.  
    • Mind Infoline: 0300 1233393 for information and signposting (9am to 6pm, Monday to Friday)   
    • SANEline: 0300 304 7000 for anyone experiencing a mental health problem or supporting someone else (4.30pm to 10.30pm, every day)  
    • Shout 85258: a free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging support service for anyone struggling to cope.  

    We hope this is helpful to you.  

    Kind regards 

    Rosie Mod