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Turning 30 in a couple of weeks and worried about my future...

AmyLR94

How do I start???
Well a few days ago I had a really bad worry moment, so much so that I was trying so hard not to cry to sleep. As you have read in the title I turn 30 in a couple of weeks, normally I'm really excited for my birthday but with everything that has been going on this year I've been more scared to hit 30 then I did when I hit 20.

For a while now I feel like I am missing something in my life, but I'm unsure on what that something would be. In July this year I started volunteering twice a week at a charity shop (which I love!) to help build my confidence and get some experience. I have been looking for part time jobs as well, but I haven't found anything that interest me or I'm qualified to do.

Some of you might of seen my last post about me mentioning about my dad and have had a lot like that happening which is causing me not to enjoy my life much. Another thing that has been on my mind is that (sorry for the tmi) I haven't had a period in 9 months. I'm not pregnant (still a virgin) but I have a doctors appointment next week to talk about this.

What has me worried are:
- I'm turning 30 and have no boyfriend and I'm still a virgin
- I'm scared that if I do end up with someone that they could end up like my dad
- I'm worried that because I haven't had a period that I could be infertile, which then makes me more worried that who would want to be with me when I can't have children.
- I have eczema prone skin - so again I keep thinking who would want a women who could be infertile and have eczema prone skin.
- I worried that if I meet someone that I will be taken advanced of because I don't understand certain things.
- I'm worried I will never find anyone since I don't go clubbing or to pubs etc 
- I'm worried about money all the time and end up spending my monthly money just to distract my thoughts (I find it very hard to budget)
- I haven't got a job - and I'm unsure what I am good at.

There are probably more for that list but basically I am terrified and I'm stuck. I don't know what to do with my life...I've been having feelings of wanting a baby too but know I can't afford to have a baby. I just see everyone else moving on with their lives and doing things that I feel unseen or lost. I know some of you will comment saying your still young and have plenty of time but my brain doesn't think that way. 

I know I'm probably repeating myself with the posts I put up on here but it's the only place I feel comfortable to express my thoughts and feelings to SobSob x

Parents

  • Thirty was probably the milestone that gave me the biggest existential crisis. But by forty... not a bit of that. Two main reasons:

    1. I think I was always 40-something on the inside, and waiting for the rest of my peers to catch up so that all the dreadful fast-paced things of youth they actually wanted to do were truly out of their system. Now they do the things I'd always preferred: gentle walks, a meal out and an early night... and finally the idea of pubs and clubs nauseates them just as much as it always did me! Anyway, my 40s-since-even-a child self finally is who is is on the outside too. There's (some) peace in that! 

    2. Took a while to really see it, but I think that 30s where we as human beings of (hopefully/potentially) an average-or-(again, hopefully!)longer lifespan fully take on board that there is an actual end-point to our lives. We've conceptually/notionally grasped that earlier in life but 30 is when one can actually start to hear hear the approaching waterfall, not just acknowledge it's there on the map. That's why all those 'shoulds' (every one of them nonsense of course, please do what gives you peace and if you can minimise comparison - I got very ill for a time doing the latter and it only detoured my perfectly-acceptable and agreeable quiet/solitudinous life) come into sharper relief around 30. 

    I can almost guarantee you that once you're in your 31st year, the volume on your worries as you've listed them will be turned down. And one day, thirty will sound to you as impossibly young as it does to me from here. Enjoy yourself... (and I won't add the rest just now!)

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  • Thirty was probably the milestone that gave me the biggest existential crisis. But by forty... not a bit of that. Two main reasons:

    1. I think I was always 40-something on the inside, and waiting for the rest of my peers to catch up so that all the dreadful fast-paced things of youth they actually wanted to do were truly out of their system. Now they do the things I'd always preferred: gentle walks, a meal out and an early night... and finally the idea of pubs and clubs nauseates them just as much as it always did me! Anyway, my 40s-since-even-a child self finally is who is is on the outside too. There's (some) peace in that! 

    2. Took a while to really see it, but I think that 30s where we as human beings of (hopefully/potentially) an average-or-(again, hopefully!)longer lifespan fully take on board that there is an actual end-point to our lives. We've conceptually/notionally grasped that earlier in life but 30 is when one can actually start to hear hear the approaching waterfall, not just acknowledge it's there on the map. That's why all those 'shoulds' (every one of them nonsense of course, please do what gives you peace and if you can minimise comparison - I got very ill for a time doing the latter and it only detoured my perfectly-acceptable and agreeable quiet/solitudinous life) come into sharper relief around 30. 

    I can almost guarantee you that once you're in your 31st year, the volume on your worries as you've listed them will be turned down. And one day, thirty will sound to you as impossibly young as it does to me from here. Enjoy yourself... (and I won't add the rest just now!)

Children