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How do you join a group conversation?

Mark

You're sitting there with noone to talk to. You notice a group of aquaintances standing chatting to each other, and decide you'd like to go over and join in the conversation. Personally, I feel awkward about going over and just standing there with them in case I don't actually get the chance to speak for 2 minutes or more and they think I'm weird or something. But I can't really wait for someone to say something that I can respond to and then go over, because I'm usually not near enough to hear what they're saying. And standing near them, but not actually with them would probably look even weirder than standing with them and not contributing anything to the conversation for 2 or 3 minutes.

So how do you join a group conversation? Just stand with them and risk not getting a chance to say anything for the first 2 or 3 minutes, or what?

  • When I was young and high masking I used to make one trick. I stand with them, say nothing or very quiet hi, I stay there, make eye contact and lean towards the person who’s currently speaking. If others are laughing, I laughed too. For short time it’s working - you don’t look weird for not contributing because you actually pretend to be contributing. In fact I had no idea what they were talking about because I had to concentrate on making the painful eye contact and smiling and generally control my body language, there were also noises lights and smells around that disturbed me so it made it harder to concentrate and listen what they are talking about. For me if there is me + more than one person - it’s a crowd, it’s too much. If it’s more than few, like 3-4 people chatting, then I don’t even join. It’s waaay too much, makes me dizzy and overwhelmed. On other hand if it’s a large group of people then it’s easier to just disappear unnoticed 

  • 0 - I for one do not enjoy groups bigger than 5 and if they are too loud or frenetic I feel uneasy. - unless I am the center of attention and have gathered a small crowd, then I am in spellbinding and storytelling mode and can speak to 100s - as long as I'm in storytelling mode. It is one of my special interest modes.

    The others are my audience by choice in this scenario. and it has to happen organically once I am asked to relate an event at a venue or casually - not if one is approaching a group already formed as some else is most likely story telling.

    for approaching a (hopefully) friendly group:

    1- approach slowly.

    2 - get the eye of a participant who knows you already and nod - no talking - just a smile and nod hello. "may I join you?' If you must speak.

    3 - stand near (not too near) that person and simply be there. (A drink or something in the hands helps me)

    4 - this may be all that happens but the others will get used to you being there. Just abide and study the dynamic.

    5 - listen and record what's said, whether it makes sense or not. people are talking to reassure each other and themselves.

    6 - If someone asks you a question or makes a comment directed at you, speak your truth to the whole group, but keep it to a duration that matches the detail and length the others are using. DON'T monologue. Be polite -even if the others are not.

    7 - Remember you are an unknown person to the others, socially.  The new person (you) is being evaluated as they speak, so keep it brief. I learn a lot by listening and it helps me to know if it's even something I want. Often it is not.

    8 - Keep it positive. don't dump, even if others are dumping. If it's a dump truck sort of group, just leave. Really just leave before they get around to you!

    9 - Wave and nod silently goodby to the person who you stood next to at the beginning.

  • The easiest entry to a group conversation is by just making a short agreement to something someone else has said, just a nod and 'yes' is enough. You automatically get the approbation of the speaker and do not have to worry about timing your initial contribution. If the opportunity arises then a longer interjection can be made later, but the initial awkwardness is overcome.

  • I would struggle with this too, although I doubt I'd even want to try! :)

    This website might be of interest. It offers an audio guide: "How to join & enjoy group conversations". It wasn't written specifically for autistic or neurodivergent audiences, but - having read through the downloads - it still struck me as potentially useful.

    Signing up via the website gives access to a PDF transcript (which I personally prefer over audio), and a worksheet for building conversational scripts:

    https://www.becomemorecompelling.com/gc-audio-guide.html

    There's also some general advice here:

    NAS - Making friends - a guide for autistic adults