Published on 12, July, 2020
At 55 and menopausal, I've just received my autism diagnosis. I'm also likely have ADHD but am not yet diagnosed. So far, my husband and brother are the only ones that know - my husband because he lives with me and all my moods, and my brother because he once wondered if he was autistic too.
I am in the process of informing myself about this. However, first and foremost, I am struggling with the label 'autistic'. I've always had a trouble with labels (from 'loser' in my school years to 'she's an odd one' later on). Thankfully, my parents avoided the 'she's the clever/odd/pretty one' sort of categorization I've heard others use, so I've been free to define myself. They've just accepted me for who I am.
However, it now feels like I've got a big fat label stuck to my forehead. It oversimplifies the complex creature I feel myself to be - good, bad and indifferent combined. I don't want to be dealt with through this prism of understanding, the 'She's autistic, so that explains why she's overemotional/analytical/socially awkward/reserved/overly blunt' sort of thinking.
I now realize that I am suffering from autism burnout, but don't want to use that as an excuse for the meltdowns I've had. I don't want to have to explain who I am, which is just as exhausting as pretending I'm okay. Oversharing has consequences, I have found.
Your thoughts would be most welcome.
Congratulations on your diagnosis. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 60. On the whole, I think it's far better to know than to not know. Knowledge is after all, a form of power and if one knows why they are the way they are, they can better plan for the future.
However, it now feels like I've got a big fat label stuck to my forehead. It oversimplifies the complex creature I feel myself to be - good, bad and indifferent combined.
People tend to think by categories i.e rich/poor, clean/dirty, convservative/liberal etc.This is a way to sort and classify information.
You're right that the autistic label seems overly simplified. There is simply no way to convey the entire meaning of what it is to be autistic within the contraints of a single word.
While the traditional view is that autism is a spectrum disorder that spans the range from mild to severe, I've found that autism is more like the layers of an onion with varying degrees of strengths and weaknesses over multiple areas such as exectuve functioning, sensory issues, obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety etc.
I now realize that I am suffering from autism burnout
Yep, me too. I ended a 32 year long teaching career because I just couldn't do it any more. It wasn't just a matter of masking but it was also my badly frayed tolerance for bad student behavior, along with their insensitivity, entitlement, selfishness, and basic lack of respect for others. Add in rudness, lies, and bullying coupled with parental denials i.e. My (son or daughter) would NEVER do that. (sigh)
I am now retired.
First of all, my respect for your years of teaching, in what I assume to be late primary and secondary schools. I too am a teacher but in EFL and EAP. I deliberately chose to teach adults many years ago because I knew I couldn't deal effectively with children and teens. Adults, after all, choose to be in my classroom, right? However, this past spring one of my adult students called me useless, the first time I've heard this in over 30 years of teaching here and abroad. Despite the support I got, and an essential grasp of why this was said at the time (disappointment at feedback, for starters), it was devastating. I dealt with it (and another unexpected bullying incident), badly and am considering a late career change to... ? I can't retire yet. Years of qualifications and experience out the window but my inability to cope is what led me down this autism diagnosis path.
I agree that knowledge is power, and I decided to pursue diagnosis knowing that. I also knew that I would struggle with the label. I just need to figure out what to do with it. Thanks for your considered reply.