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relationship with autistic partner

NAS94489
4 hours ago

Dear all,

I will summarise as much as possible to make things clear.

I have been with my partner for two years and I love him. In this journey together, we have discovered that he is autistic. He has two teenage almost adult sons, one of them with Asperger's.

During these 2 years , I have been hurt many times, but always told myself/ excused him as he is autistic.

My problem now is that I don't know where the autism ends and the conscious decision starts.

To summarise:

I have not been introduced to anyone in his family and I haven't been introduced to his children.

We do not live together and I am not allowed in his flat.

He has been divorced for more than 10 years and told me his ex was controlling, yet he meets his sons 3 times a week, including saturday and sunday at her place. Because of that reason, we have never spent a weekend together.

They go on holiday together as a family once a year 

He often omits to tell me things regarding his schedule or outright lie about various things. Sometimes I do not understand why the lies as they do not hide anything malicious but it makes it hard for me to trust him.

Our meetings are always based on his schedule. I am always prioritising him and would be happy to drop my plans to be with him. If I was busy, he would not mind seeing me less and he would certainly not drop his plans to see me more.

Finally, I have asked him to buy me a cheap ring as a symbol of commitment. I mean something very cheap, not a diamond ring and I was clear that i did not want an engagement ring, just a token of commitment. He told me he did not find anything.

I have find that some of the behaviours do fit with the autistic mind, but at the same time, it seems to me that I am just a thing on the side, really at the bottom of his priority list.

I am happy to work on this if knowledgeable people on this website could explain to me that- yes he does this because it is typical of an autistic person...( for example, I know how much hobbies are important and I have never tried to prevent him from doing what he likes) but i can t find any excuse for not being introduced to his family or for him to refuse to give me a cheap ring.

anyway, before I make the decision of saying goodbye, I wanted to make sure I am making the correct decision with full knowledge. Any help/guidance will be much appreciated.

Parents
  • 2 hours ago

    Hi, I’m cautious giving advice, but from what you described I would say, part of it is caused by autism and will probably not be changed, like the intensity of interests, sticking to routine, but lying - I’m sorry, there is no excuse. I think he should be also open to some compromise and most importantly if he loves you, he should also be open and honest with you. Building any relationship requires work and compromise. Autistics often treat relationships as constant, once we earn it, we tend to not work to keep it anymore because it should be kept by itself. I’m aware of that it’s not true and the only thing I think I can advise- try, communicate your needs clearly, try to figure out some compromise with him. If impossible, then you know… it’s up to you. In any relationship both sides have to care, if it’s one sided- it’s not gonna work. 
    For me some things are also challenging and overwhelming but we communicate clearly, so I know where I have to try to give more and I also let my husband know when it’s too much and I can’t anymore. 

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  • 2 hours ago

    Hi, I’m cautious giving advice, but from what you described I would say, part of it is caused by autism and will probably not be changed, like the intensity of interests, sticking to routine, but lying - I’m sorry, there is no excuse. I think he should be also open to some compromise and most importantly if he loves you, he should also be open and honest with you. Building any relationship requires work and compromise. Autistics often treat relationships as constant, once we earn it, we tend to not work to keep it anymore because it should be kept by itself. I’m aware of that it’s not true and the only thing I think I can advise- try, communicate your needs clearly, try to figure out some compromise with him. If impossible, then you know… it’s up to you. In any relationship both sides have to care, if it’s one sided- it’s not gonna work. 
    For me some things are also challenging and overwhelming but we communicate clearly, so I know where I have to try to give more and I also let my husband know when it’s too much and I can’t anymore. 

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