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relationship with autistic partner

NAS94489

Dear all,

I will summarise as much as possible to make things clear.

I have been with my partner for two years and I love him. In this journey together, we have discovered that he is autistic. He has two teenage almost adult sons, one of them with Asperger's.

During these 2 years , I have been hurt many times, but always told myself/ excused him as he is autistic.

My problem now is that I don't know where the autism ends and the conscious decision starts.

To summarise:

I have not been introduced to anyone in his family and I haven't been introduced to his children.

We do not live together and I am not allowed in his flat.

He has been divorced for more than 10 years and told me his ex was controlling, yet he meets his sons 3 times a week, including saturday and sunday at her place. Because of that reason, we have never spent a weekend together.

They go on holiday together as a family once a year 

He often omits to tell me things regarding his schedule or outright lie about various things. Sometimes I do not understand why the lies as they do not hide anything malicious but it makes it hard for me to trust him.

Our meetings are always based on his schedule. I am always prioritising him and would be happy to drop my plans to be with him. If I was busy, he would not mind seeing me less and he would certainly not drop his plans to see me more.

Finally, I have asked him to buy me a cheap ring as a symbol of commitment. I mean something very cheap, not a diamond ring and I was clear that i did not want an engagement ring, just a token of commitment. He told me he did not find anything.

I have find that some of the behaviours do fit with the autistic mind, but at the same time, it seems to me that I am just a thing on the side, really at the bottom of his priority list.

I am happy to work on this if knowledgeable people on this website could explain to me that- yes he does this because it is typical of an autistic person...( for example, I know how much hobbies are important and I have never tried to prevent him from doing what he likes) but i can t find any excuse for not being introduced to his family or for him to refuse to give me a cheap ring.

anyway, before I make the decision of saying goodbye, I wanted to make sure I am making the correct decision with full knowledge. Any help/guidance will be much appreciated.

  • in reply to NAS94489

    Glad to hear we have helped. As we are adults on the autistic spectrum, hopefully that has given you some balance in assessing the situation.

    Take care of yourself

  • in reply to Kate Kestrel

    Hello Kate Kestrel, thank you very much for taking the time to write. I have often mentioned how i felt to him. regarding 'his other family' he does not want anything to change. I have come to understand that maybe it is because he does not want to burden me , in a sense that both he and his ex wife pay for the holiday, and maybe he could not break from this pattern. Once I have finished reading the book advised from Bunny, I intend to write an email about how I feel, not an email accusing him, just telling him why things are currently not working and asking for his point of view and what could be done to change this.

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    Hello Alienatedhuman, I have started withdrawing myself from the relationship by seeing him on my terms and not allowing him to stay at mine anymore. I think it will be interesting to see his reaction.

  • in reply to Lotus

    Dear Pixiefox, I know you are right, it feels very good to have people tell me I am not crazy and some things feel 'off'. Even now, I am trying to find excuses for him but I feel he has taken advantage of my good nature and my love for him. I am slowly withdrawing myself from this relationship.

  • in reply to pdaddio83

    Hello Pdaddio83, thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. I would like to say that I have ever been hurt physically, never ever, just emotionally. My friends are sick of listening to me and no one ever had a kind word for him. Indeed, it feels like a one-sided relationship and I have decided to think of myself first. No longer will it be about when HE is free to see me. If it doesn't suit me, I say no. I have started reading the book from Bunny and I do recognise his behaviour but from now on it is me first.

  • I've tried re-reading this a few times to make sure I'm not jumping to conclusions, but what I'm immediately thinking is that this does not sound like a healthy relationship, possibly toxic.

    NAS94489 said:
    I have been hurt many times, but always told myself/ excused him as he is autistic.

    This I found the most concerning, because you don't elaborate. Do you mean emotionally or physically? If the latter, then I can find no excuse for that, regardless of his autism.

    I can read your summary and I suppose I could see it all as his particular autistic behaviours, but really what are you getting out of this? For 2 years you have done so much for him and received nothing in return, it sounds like. If he cannot see that your relationship has to evolve, no matter how hard it may be for him to understand, then you will end up in an extremely unhappy relationship from your side - it already sounds too one-sided to me.

    This is the most opinionated I think I've been on this forum, because I have strong beliefs about balance and what is fair, and I think this is all very unfair on you. I won't tell you what to do, but I hope you think carefully about looking after yourself whatever happens.

  • It may be that he is still being controlled by his ex wife, and he may find it difficult to change schedules and to allow people to be in his home, and a ring may not mean anything to him.

    BUT....

    In my opinion, If he is committed to you he would be happy to share his space with you (at least for a couple of times a week), he wouldn't lie to you, and he would take you with him to a shop to choose a ring, to make you happy. 

    Relationships can be difficult, there may be misunderstandings and we sometimes say things we regret, but they should be based on mutual respect, consideration and honesty. If I was you I would end it and look for someone who will treat you better.

  • Hi, I’m cautious giving advice, but from what you described I would say, part of it is caused by autism and will probably not be changed, like the intensity of interests, sticking to routine, but lying - I’m sorry, there is no excuse. I think he should be also open to some compromise and most importantly if he loves you, he should also be open and honest with you. Building any relationship requires work and compromise. Autistics often treat relationships as constant, once we earn it, we tend to not work to keep it anymore because it should be kept by itself. I’m aware of that it’s not true and the only thing I think I can advise- try, communicate your needs clearly, try to figure out some compromise with him. If impossible, then you know… it’s up to you. In any relationship both sides have to care, if it’s one sided- it’s not gonna work. 
    For me some things are also challenging and overwhelming but we communicate clearly, so I know where I have to try to give more and I also let my husband know when it’s too much and I can’t anymore. 

  • in reply to NAS94489

    You're most welcome! And I wish you all the best.

  • Some of these things do seem like autistic traits. Things like him not wanting visitors to his house, and sticking to his routine with his family visits etc. Have you discussed with him how these issues make you feel? And is he receptive to maybe making some compromises?
    I think it’s worth remembering that people don’t fundamentally change who they are once they are adults. And is it even fair to expect them to? Ultimately the only way to see if you can make this work is  to have a very open and honest conversation with your partner and see what’s possible. And if you aren’t reassured by that then you may have to admit to each other that you’re just not suited to being in a long term relationship together. Perhaps make a list of things that are really essential to you - and see if he’s able to genuinely meet those needs you have without any resentment being created. Ultimately for a relationship to work you both have to happy and feel valued, loved and respected. Any persistent resentments will fester - and it will end eventually anyway. You need to be completely honest with each other. That might be painful or positive - but either way it’s better done sooner rather than later. Good luck. 

  • in reply to Bunny

    Thank you Bunny,I will read this book 

  • Hi

    Just to help others with context, I notice that you've asked a similar question here previously.

    I'm sorry to hear about your concerns.

    I recommend reading this book, which addresses all manner of issues concerning neurotypical + neurodivergent relationships. Regardless of whether or not your partner is willing to join you in completing the various exercises, I suspect that the contents might help you to come to a more informed conclusion:

    Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner