Published on 12, July, 2020
Dear all,
I will summarise as much as possible to make things clear.
I have been with my partner for two years and I love him. In this journey together, we have discovered that he is autistic. He has two teenage almost adult sons, one of them with Asperger's.
During these 2 years , I have been hurt many times, but always told myself/ excused him as he is autistic.
My problem now is that I don't know where the autism ends and the conscious decision starts.
To summarise:
I have not been introduced to anyone in his family and I haven't been introduced to his children.
We do not live together and I am not allowed in his flat.
He has been divorced for more than 10 years and told me his ex was controlling, yet he meets his sons 3 times a week, including saturday and sunday at her place. Because of that reason, we have never spent a weekend together.
They go on holiday together as a family once a year
He often omits to tell me things regarding his schedule or outright lie about various things. Sometimes I do not understand why the lies as they do not hide anything malicious but it makes it hard for me to trust him.
Our meetings are always based on his schedule. I am always prioritising him and would be happy to drop my plans to be with him. If I was busy, he would not mind seeing me less and he would certainly not drop his plans to see me more.
Finally, I have asked him to buy me a cheap ring as a symbol of commitment. I mean something very cheap, not a diamond ring and I was clear that i did not want an engagement ring, just a token of commitment. He told me he did not find anything.
I have find that some of the behaviours do fit with the autistic mind, but at the same time, it seems to me that I am just a thing on the side, really at the bottom of his priority list.
I am happy to work on this if knowledgeable people on this website could explain to me that- yes he does this because it is typical of an autistic person...( for example, I know how much hobbies are important and I have never tried to prevent him from doing what he likes) but i can t find any excuse for not being introduced to his family or for him to refuse to give me a cheap ring.
anyway, before I make the decision of saying goodbye, I wanted to make sure I am making the correct decision with full knowledge. Any help/guidance will be much appreciated.
Yeh that doesn’t sound nice. He could at least buy you a ring to show you he’s committed and stuff. How he said he didn’t find anything and stuff. Sounds like a d*ck no offence. A lot of autistic people come across like that sadly. I like to think I don’t well I know I don’t because I actually try to be nice. But other autistic people I know are less than friendly put it that way. I have had autistic people be complete c*nts towards me. I had an autistic friend who would pee in people’s communal hallways of apartments including my own hallway because he was a first class d*ck. he used his autism as an excuse to act like however he wanted. Including assaulting people and throwing dog sh*t at them and picking up dead piegons and throwing them at peoples windows. Autism is not an excuse to act however you want and get away with it you know. Same goes for non autistic people. Be nice.
It may be that he is still being controlled by his ex wife, and he may find it difficult to change schedules and to allow people to be in his home, and a ring may not mean anything to him.
BUT....
In my opinion, If he is committed to you he would be happy to share his space with you (at least for a couple of times a week), he wouldn't lie to you, and he would take you with him to a shop to choose a ring, to make you happy.
Relationships can be difficult, there may be misunderstandings and we sometimes say things we regret, but they should be based on mutual respect, consideration and honesty. If I was you I would end it and look for someone who will treat you better.
Hi, I’m cautious giving advice, but from what you described I would say, part of it is caused by autism and will probably not be changed, like the intensity of interests, sticking to routine, but lying - I’m sorry, there is no excuse. I think he should be also open to some compromise and most importantly if he loves you, he should also be open and honest with you. Building any relationship requires work and compromise. Autistics often treat relationships as constant, once we earn it, we tend to not work to keep it anymore because it should be kept by itself. I’m aware of that it’s not true and the only thing I think I can advise- try, communicate your needs clearly, try to figure out some compromise with him. If impossible, then you know… it’s up to you. In any relationship both sides have to care, if it’s one sided- it’s not gonna work. For me some things are also challenging and overwhelming but we communicate clearly, so I know where I have to try to give more and I also let my husband know when it’s too much and I can’t anymore.
You're most welcome! And I wish you all the best.
Some of these things do seem like autistic traits. Things like him not wanting visitors to his house, and sticking to his routine with his family visits etc. Have you discussed with him how these issues make you feel? And is he receptive to maybe making some compromises?I think it’s worth remembering that people don’t fundamentally change who they are once they are adults. And is it even fair to expect them to? Ultimately the only way to see if you can make this work is to have a very open and honest conversation with your partner and see what’s possible. And if you aren’t reassured by that then you may have to admit to each other that you’re just not suited to being in a long term relationship together. Perhaps make a list of things that are really essential to you - and see if he’s able to genuinely meet those needs you have without any resentment being created. Ultimately for a relationship to work you both have to happy and feel valued, loved and respected. Any persistent resentments will fester - and it will end eventually anyway. You need to be completely honest with each other. That might be painful or positive - but either way it’s better done sooner rather than later. Good luck.
Thank you Bunny,I will read this book
Hi
Just to help others with context, I notice that you've asked a similar question here previously.
I'm sorry to hear about your concerns.
I recommend reading this book, which addresses all manner of issues concerning neurotypical + neurodivergent relationships. Regardless of whether or not your partner is willing to join you in completing the various exercises, I suspect that the contents might help you to come to a more informed conclusion:
Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner