Published on 12, July, 2020
I am a 28 year old woman and I find dating hard for a plethora of reasons but one that’s challenging me at the moment is knowing if I Achually like someone. And knowing when to keep dateing them or when to decide we’re not compatible.
Due to autism- i am aware that some expectations I have arnt reasonable. However, I work on them all the time and when I really sit back and reflect, I don’t think I’m asking for too much.
For example- someone stable, I like having them around a lot, but if it’s not all the time as much as I want I can cope. But if they arnt communicating when I will see them again, or not willing to set a date when I will see them again (dogeing makeing exact plans) or saying they will come by then I end up waiting all day. Not coming over if I ask them to, but just when they can (seems like when they want to). I end up just feeling wild hurt and unable to cope.
my family and friends tell me It’s my mindset that is getting in the way (in one way or another- I ask for too much or I am overreacting) but I feel like only I have this perspective of how much I am being hurt and thrown off by their behavior. Seince I live alone.
I don’t hold it against them, I believe it’s ok if you’re not compatible. But I am confused on how to make decisions around if this person is not right for me? Or if I’m really being unreasonable? I know my brain works differently but I can’t seem to understand why wanting someone who’s behavior is foundationally (I know people change and arnt always perfect) set in a way that makes me cared for and safe is seen as unreasonable. Or why it seems so hard to find.
any advice or insites are much appreciated
Kall said:if they arnt communicating when I will see them again, or not willing to set a date when I will see them again (dogeing makeing exact plans) or saying they will come by then I end up waiting all day. Not coming over if I ask them to, but just when they can (seems like when they want to). I end up just feeling wild hurt and unable to cope.
I understand that this is what you would want in an ideal world, but most other people like to have their time free to decide what to do nearer the time as they will have other influences in their life, interests outside the relationship and friends / family who will also have demands on their time.
Trying to impress this demand on them will come across as controlling so it will help you tremendously in your relationships (and in other ways) to find ways to dial back your expectations.
Undersatanding that other people are like this gives you the knowledge to re-frame your decision timing. For example rather than insisting on making the next plan at the end of the current date, agree a time to get in touch to make that decision by phone / text or however you communicate. This gives you the anchor of a set point for the decision and can try to put it our of your mind until then, know it is coming.
One other thing that I don't see you covering here is how you will care for the other person. You talk about how you need to be looked after but how will you reciprocate the needs of the other person? This isn't me having a go at you but trying to help you see the bigger picture.
Any relationship requires compromise on each side and the needs of each other to be met if they are reasonable. The whole finding of that balance is one of the more exciting parts of the early part of a relationship for most people, so it helps to try to imaging the challenge as a positive one - an adventure you are going on and it helps dispel the anxiety.
If you are able I would recommend learning about mindfulness as a way to keep your thoughts under control around this, and learning more about the neurotypical rules around relationships so you at least know what the other party is going to expect as well.
Make it about each other and you will have a greater chance of success and happiness.
Good luck,
So simple- thanks for that!
I think it's totally fine to have preferences and criteria, so to speak. Everyone has a gut feeling about what's right for them.
I guess communicating that and finding someone on your level is really key.