Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I’m not sure this is the right place for this, so please move if needed. This is becoming something I’m ruminating on lots so just want to get it out of my head.
I’m 36 and got diagnosed as autistic earlier in the year. One of the recommendations in the report was that I get assessed for ADHD. I’m on the waiting list now. I’ve always had quite bad social anxiety, but my current medication has helped loads with that.
In a moment of madness I decided to try dating again (online because no idea how to actually meet people otherwise). I’m starting to realise that putting my low self confidence to one side, a lot of my social anxiety came from my complete social awkwardness. I don’t know how I fit in relation to people. I can’t read the situation. I miss hints, flirting goes over my head and I definitely can’t flirt back. I worry about being too intense. I try to be myself and try to communicate openly, but I worry I sound “too autistic”. I know things are worse over messages, but I’ve always struggled with meeting new people and dating has always been a train wreck for me, but now I’m beginning to understand why. I just don’t know what to do with that new understanding.
I like to think I’m fairly intelligent. I have two degrees and a good career. But dating leaves me feeling lost and confused. I don’t know how to do myself and not put people off to start with.
One thing this whole trying to date has shown me is some of my autistic traits that maybe I wasn’t quite aware of. That’s also raised other feelings I don’t really know what to do with.
Any advice for dating with neurodivergence?
I think dating is a hard balance. My longest relationship was 2 - 3 years. I realise now I was masking the whole time to be the NT person he wanted me to be, and I ended it because I didn't like who I'd become (isolated from my friends and only really doing things as a 'couple'). Now that I know I am autistic I can watch out for that and be more assertive about my needs and personality.
It is hard, because I'm willing to compromise to have the relationship, but I don't always know the consequences of the compromise until I make it, because it's different in each situation. So I might ignore all the texts with comments I don't understand rather than question everything... Some people will see this as understanding them, some people won't bother because words are transient things to them, others might get annoyed because I don't respond appropriately, others will get frustrated because their words mean a lot to them... And some of them their words are lies or stories which are not quite true, which really annoys me.
On the positive side, my friend's son has ADHD and is in a long-standing relationship with a partner who is a few years older and a wider experience of life. Sometimes the narrow-mindedness of some of our cultures leads us to expect other people to be like us, rather than be curious about differences.
Now I know I'm autistic I'd like to try again, but most people I meet are already coupled up, so I haven't given up hope but am not actively 'looking'.