Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello lovely people! I'm a late diagnosed autistic adult, and I've been trying to work on my imposter syndrome. I was convinced I was autistic right up until I was diagnosed, and now that it's official I keep questioning it (as I am overall functioning fairly well, on average, especially since I started working from home, which has removed the majority of my social triggers).
One thing that keeps making me feel like an imposter is that I hate research. It stresses me out. There is so much information out there, I find it overwhelming, having to choose how and what to look for, and then there is so much to read or watch. I know wanting to learn everything about a subject is a big aspect of autism, researching things in depth etc, so not enjoying research makes me feel like an imposter within the autistic community. I do spend a lot of time checking things before buying so I know I'm buying the right thing, but I hate doing it. And one thing that doesn't help me at all is that I rarely research new places I'm going to, how I'm going to get there, where I'll park etc, because the research stresses me out so I ignore it or leave it to the last second. But then I get to the place and I get overwhelmed because I don't know where to park etc.
Can anyone relate to this? Do you have any recommendations for ways to approach research in a smaller, less overwhelming and stressful way?
Being overwhelmed by the "too-muchness" of things is something shared by Autism and ADHD under the Theory of Monotropism.
Here's a question. What if I told you what you were describing wasn't Imposter Syndrome? As someone late to the party as well, it took me a while to recognise that I misunderstood most of how Typical society was using a thing. The Imposter concept is one borrowed from a master manipulator and it is simply a Virtue Signal. The secret code is expressing Empathy with an other and our deep sense of Guilt for no particular reason other than "we all feel this and this deep sense of guilt is what drives us". Except it doesn't drive the Autistic. That deep guilt is what is socially programmed and glues everyone together. For the most part, the Autistic escapes that repressed programming.
Is research daunting partly because you're aware it's an abyss? Everything is connected, so where to begin. And each part of a whole thing has an infinite set of fundamental values and an infinite set of Macro values. Thinking like this is uniquely Autistic. Some are compelled toward a thing anyway for a myriad of reasons: safety, a passion to understand, finally finding something one has a command over, feeling a sense of purpose and so on.
I barely research where I'm going even though I quite like maps. But I moved about as a child and perhaps found solace in a type of solidtue of a new and strange place. Planning ahead is Neurotypical default. While I like preparation for safety and weather, if no one else is making plans, I quite like the freedom of doing as I wish and making it up as I go along!
Thank you, this is so incredibly helpful. I think in part my feeling of being an imposter because if I am autistic I SHOULD love to research is due to my mother-in-law who is a psychiatric nurse and who is always surprised and makes a comment when she finds out I haven't booked a hotel for the cousin's wedding yet, or I haven't checked how to get somewhere or checked parking etc, because she thinks that since I am autistic I should have organised it all waaaaaaay in advance and should have all sorts of back up plans in place etc. I think maybe I should try and ignore that, because she works on an acute ward and does not specialise in ASD so she might still have some of the preconceived ideas of what ASD looks like. But it does make me feel silly every time. Researching anything, especially on the internet, really does feel like an abyss, and I have always had an aversion, and a physical reaction, to the idea of infinity. Literally as a child I would feel physically unwell and extremely stressed out if someone mentioned space because I tried to picture the never ending nature of it, and the absence of everything in between planets etc. I guess looking at research from this angle does make sense, and I feel a little less like an imposter for not wanting to read up as much as I can. Thank you.