Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello lovely people! I'm a late diagnosed autistic adult, and I've been trying to work on my imposter syndrome. I was convinced I was autistic right up until I was diagnosed, and now that it's official I keep questioning it (as I am overall functioning fairly well, on average, especially since I started working from home, which has removed the majority of my social triggers).
One thing that keeps making me feel like an imposter is that I hate research. It stresses me out. There is so much information out there, I find it overwhelming, having to choose how and what to look for, and then there is so much to read or watch. I know wanting to learn everything about a subject is a big aspect of autism, researching things in depth etc, so not enjoying research makes me feel like an imposter within the autistic community. I do spend a lot of time checking things before buying so I know I'm buying the right thing, but I hate doing it. And one thing that doesn't help me at all is that I rarely research new places I'm going to, how I'm going to get there, where I'll park etc, because the research stresses me out so I ignore it or leave it to the last second. But then I get to the place and I get overwhelmed because I don't know where to park etc.
Can anyone relate to this? Do you have any recommendations for ways to approach research in a smaller, less overwhelming and stressful way?
Yes, research is overwhelming. When I research something, I divide my task into smaller parts, I read something, give myself time to process it and continue later, when I have power again. It also helps me eliminate fake information, because by processing the information I also deeply analyse it. I’m such an analytic type. As for diagnosis I don’t do it. I don’t want any imposter syndrome, I don’t want to hear stupid and irritating comments from others “we all are a little bit autistic” or “it’s trendy now, you just want attention” “you don’t look autistic” etc. I just wanna have a peace, it’s impossible for my mind to be peaceful but at least I try. Congratulations on getting diagnosis and remember one thing: everyone is different, everyone experiences life differently and not everyone must tick all the boxes. For me honestly researching in the internet is overwhelming, but if I catch an Encyclopedia … I can hyperfocus on reading the information in it and forget about the whole world around. i was bullied for loving encyclopedias and asking for them as my birthday gifts. what I noticed in this forum (it’s kinda toxic to ourselves I think) but I understand where it comes from. I mean the constant checking if we tick enough boxes, if we are autistic enough to call ourselves autistic. I also find myself in this group. I guess this is how our brains torture us. sorry my post turns out to not be much positive, but I wish you all best.
That is all very true. I personally pursued a diagnosis because I didn't dare make accommodations for myself without having "proof" I needed it. Like I didn't have the right to. Which is stupid, but that's how I felt. The constant wondering whether I was autistic or not was driving me insane. Now I know, although I do have this imposter syndrome sometimes, it has removed the question and I am more at peace. I don't go around shouting it from the rooftops and only tell people if I feel there is a good reason, and often there isn't, so I keep it to myself. But I am slowly understanding myself more and finding ways to help myself. Not super easy with a toddler, I basically got my diagnosis at the same time as I became a mum, and they are both quite overwhelming things. Being a parent to a toddler is difficult anyway, but I am finding that I get overwhelmed easily (but at least I'm becoming more aware of it so I am able to ask for a break before it brings me to a meltdown). I hope you are finding ways to help yourself, an official diagnosis is definitely not necessary for everyone. I think we know, and we can tell if things help or not, and that's enough. Good luck to you!
As you say, everyone is different, one person needs dx, other does not.