Published on 12, July, 2020
I've done bad things. I didn't respect boundaries, I came across as though I was entitled to friendships and I didn't communicate clearly, meaning that I misjudged what someone was comfortable with. I was reckless with it.
I've made lots of bad choices. One of many was befriending people who would sooner share the things I've said in private with their 12,000 Twitter followers than speak to me. There's wanting to hold someone accountable for their actions and there's setting people who weren't party to any of it onto you. Total strangers lecturing you like you're a child. Others accusing you of all sorts.
It's the sort of thing which would make you want to retreat and double down. I never did, though given the scale of the anger that I was faced with (albeit justified), I almost want to.
They expected me to deal with it like a neurotypical person. Suddenly it was like, "you are no longer an autistic person in our eyes". They had all made their minds up yet still expected me to explain myself. They wanted me to make an apology statement; I needed a few days to fully process it but I wasn't given that.
It was the equivalent of bullies beating up a kid in the playground, begging him to say sorry, he says sorry and they just carry on kicking his head in. Doesn't matter what the reason is, it doesn't help.
Someone else in a comments section said "is he even actually autistic?". This made me really angry. Someone chiming in (after having spent 20 minutes slagging me off) saying "well, he used to keep spreadsheets of his friends which is very autistic" didn't help - yes, it was true, and they were sort of defending me, but you don't get to do that when you encouraged that comment in the first place. I get that you were angry but that's my life.
These are other autistic people, by the way. You'd think they'd be more understanding but when they've decided that you're neurotypical, there's no chance of that. At least my therapist also sees how absurd the handling of it was.
When it all died down, only one person (of those who witnessed it) asked if I was okay. Just one and they're an acquaintance so they could never have helped me. I know I'm not entitled to anything, I'm not a believer of "you must be able to handle me at my worst" but that (as well as everything else) made it hard to trust others.
Please don't tell me that I should change therapists, because I am perfectly happy with my therapist and it's just naturally going to be a long process. It was the most traumatic thing I ever went through, and me having made a new friend doesn't change that. It's going to take time.
Please don't accuse me of playing the victim or trying to garner attention. I can only speak about my own experience and I have every right to without being made to feel ashamed or like I should just shut up and deal with it.
Years ago my favourite female Canadian school friend had someone trying to pass (unsolicited) judgement on her / poke fun at her / tell her what she should do differently / imply she was not a real human / basically bully her (she was blessed with a stunning head of beautiful long red hair ...not that it was any of the other person's business) plus the abhorrent individual was also trying to influence and encourage others around them to go along with directing similar behaviour towards my friend.
She stood still, looked at their face, and then loudly exclaimed incredulously - for all to hear; the perfect "put down" statement (before she walked away); "Oh my goodness, you actually thought you could drive my bus!".
Over the years, across my working life, I have all too often heard in my head the replayed video tape memory if that feisty girl's retort ...as I encountered yet another one of life's tedious wanna-be-backseat-bus-drivers of MY own life.
Cue the internal instruction to self: "that is NOT happening ...walk away now girl".
So far, I have yet to resort to blurting out loud the suitably delivered "drive my bus" statement ...I have a feeling that part of living up to my goal of learning to grow old suitably irreverently (disgracefully) might mean the days are numbered before the full experience gets metered out to ...somebody who seems to have checked their own civility at the door before addressing me about something unacceptably NONE of their business!
Who knows, maybe I'll find that somebody makes a badge / button / pin with the appropriate text printed on it? I could have it pinned on the reverse of my lapel and just turn it over and point to it in silent, visible, rebuff! ... before I just walk away and get on with driving my own bus, thanks all the same.