Published on 12, July, 2020
I dip in and out of the discussions here since I sort of worked out I might possibly be Autistic. The reason I dip in and out is partly due to imposter syndrome, but also because I'm not a medical professional. I don't want to seek a diagnosis as I'm not sure what good it would do me now, and I'll probably fake the answers I think they want because that's how I've lived for years. I'm 54 and have gotten by on what is possibly very high masking—very, very high masking. I'm estranged from my family and it's hard to learn how to navigate the world on my own. Over the years, I learned how to behave at work and what makes people comfortable. My professional side has been moderately successful. The pandemic and the complete uprooting of all my routines ruined everything. Long story short, I only know how to function if I'm following someone else's rules. Outside of work, all order and consistency have vanished. I have two cats, but nothing else. Exercise and any hobbies give me things to do outside of work, but I feel like I have no idea what or why I do anything outside of that. Sometimes I find things I like and get really into them, but then they end and I don’t know what to do next. Over time, I feel like I'm becoming some kind of hoarder cat lady. I find myself hoping I could just hire someone to manage my personal life the way they manage my work, as I can't seem to do that. It's as if without a context, I don’t exist, or it doesn’t matter. There’s no point. Friendships don’t last because I’m just accommodating people until I blow up or they take too much from me, and holidays without planned activities feel like just wasted time, which means I have to make them feel like unpaid work to make them meaningful. I find it difficult to talk to people as I will instantly try to make them feel better. That’s why counselling doesn’t work for me. This is a wild ramble, but this is the only place I feel I can do it. But you know, maybe I'm not autistic; I'm just using it as an excuse to cover up the fact that I'm some kind of social failure, although that’s something I care about. What I care about is that I don't know who or what I am anymore, and every now and then it matters. I feel are so used to the masked me, the don't really like me at all. But at the same time I have no idea who the real me is. I feel it's worse because I'm old and I don't have much time to work out who I am. I can't go back as I don't remember and I'm not sure how I can find out either. The truth is, someone will say something I might agree or disagree with, and I will be polite and respectful, deciding I'm neurotypical but just not trying hard enough in life, and then I disappear again.
This all sounds pretty autistic to me.
It is a shame that your GP gives you such a hard time. There is no such thing as "a little bit autistic", so it shows how out of touch your GP is with modern thinking.
I opted for a private one too. Being in my 50s, I felt like I had waited long enough already and was lucky to have the money at the time. The assessments themselves were not too stressful, but I had all the anxieties that you describe around them were very stressful. It was worth it for me.
The people that I used were expensive, but...
1. The costs were broken up into stages, so I could stop at any point. The first step was by far the cheapest and was a pre-assessment which found out if it was worth pursuing or not.
2. The people were lovely.
3. There were two independent assessors, so less likely to get a false positive.
4. If it turned out that I wasn't autistic, they promised to point me in the right direction about what my issues may be.
5. They were well trained on masking/camouflaging and took that into account. Like you, I don't even know what I am without masking. The official tests were good enough to see though masking too.
Many people on here don't feel the need for an assessment. Also, the assessment doesn't just make things better. It did help me though.
I am up for private messaging, so if you want their details connect with me and I'll pass them on (I don't think this is allowed in the posts)
All the best.
Thank Mark. Thanks to you and Mr T I will look into a diagnosis. I might reach out to you soon. It might take me a while to work my way to it as the the need for a respondent has just added a bucket load of fears. Outside of work I don't have anyone in my lift who could fill that role. I could ask my boss, but knowing that he thinks this sort of things is made up and lefty, I don't think he'd be on board, or at best he's possibly use it against me at some point. He's always known there is something "odd" about me, but is just glad I keep it out of work.
No problem. Though, while a 'respondant'/'informant' is desirable - I think it just makes the job easier. I don't think that it is an absolute necessity. As others have said on similar posts - it is not a trial. They are not trying to catch you out. They would spend more time asking you about your childhood, rather than your parents. If you went though with it, it would be worth thinking about your childhood beforehand - bullying, playing habits etc.