Published on 12, July, 2020
I dip in and out of the discussions here since I sort of worked out I might possibly be Autistic. The reason I dip in and out is partly due to imposter syndrome, but also because I'm not a medical professional. I don't want to seek a diagnosis as I'm not sure what good it would do me now, and I'll probably fake the answers I think they want because that's how I've lived for years. I'm 54 and have gotten by on what is possibly very high masking—very, very high masking. I'm estranged from my family and it's hard to learn how to navigate the world on my own. Over the years, I learned how to behave at work and what makes people comfortable. My professional side has been moderately successful. The pandemic and the complete uprooting of all my routines ruined everything. Long story short, I only know how to function if I'm following someone else's rules. Outside of work, all order and consistency have vanished. I have two cats, but nothing else. Exercise and any hobbies give me things to do outside of work, but I feel like I have no idea what or why I do anything outside of that. Sometimes I find things I like and get really into them, but then they end and I don’t know what to do next. Over time, I feel like I'm becoming some kind of hoarder cat lady. I find myself hoping I could just hire someone to manage my personal life the way they manage my work, as I can't seem to do that. It's as if without a context, I don’t exist, or it doesn’t matter. There’s no point. Friendships don’t last because I’m just accommodating people until I blow up or they take too much from me, and holidays without planned activities feel like just wasted time, which means I have to make them feel like unpaid work to make them meaningful. I find it difficult to talk to people as I will instantly try to make them feel better. That’s why counselling doesn’t work for me. This is a wild ramble, but this is the only place I feel I can do it. But you know, maybe I'm not autistic; I'm just using it as an excuse to cover up the fact that I'm some kind of social failure, although that’s something I care about. What I care about is that I don't know who or what I am anymore, and every now and then it matters. I feel are so used to the masked me, the don't really like me at all. But at the same time I have no idea who the real me is. I feel it's worse because I'm old and I don't have much time to work out who I am. I can't go back as I don't remember and I'm not sure how I can find out either. The truth is, someone will say something I might agree or disagree with, and I will be polite and respectful, deciding I'm neurotypical but just not trying hard enough in life, and then I disappear again.
This seems to me to be late diagnosed (or not) autistic struggles. You could describe my life. I am in my fifties and just got diagnosed last year. I am beginning to know myself. It takes a lot of effort but why the heck should I have to justify my existence to a NT world that refuses to accept or embrace a world of difference.
My advice for you would be to seek a diagnosis it may give you the clarity and certainty about you and your life.
I think about it. I don't think my doctor would refer me for diagnosis. Their main concern is that I want to get something for free. He said I may be "a little bit autistic" but I have a job and a home so I'm fine. I tend to see his point on that. The nurse just said "yes, probably". I'd have to pay for myself which I might, but my brain is trained not to be any trouble. I haven't decided if passing or failing the test is what I want so the idea of doing it just fills me with dread. Worst would be inconclusive - I don't think I could go through all that for inconclusive as that's what I am now. I'm scared the relief of a positive diagnosis would last until I work up the next day and had to do the same things I do every day, and a negative would just be money in the wind.
How did you deal with the testing and diagnosis? How has it changed you?
I had to get a private diagnosis as I felt I could not wait for years on the NHS. My life started making sense after it but I felt like you that I was faking it and an imposter. I knew deep down I was different all my life but did not understand why. Now I do.
Look at it this way its like turning the page in a good book and starting another chapter. It is up to you if you view the new chapter with curiosity or the same old doom and gloom.
The world has not changed but I have. I am still who I used to be but the change is a knowledge and acceptance of oneself.
I had very little childhood information except for a couple of things I remembered as my folks are no longer around. I am sure the assessors take this into account for adult diagnosis.
The main thing is to be honest at the assessment and try not to give the answers you think they want but answer truthfully.
I found this the hardest as I had 50 yrs of hiding who I was and just tried very hard to fit in and failing.
Just has a quick look around. Did you have an informant to help you with the assessment? I won't have one. I don't have anyone who could help with an assessment. I've more or less isolated myself from people so people at work don't really see me outside of work and anyone who does it's very brief. I don't like acting in my spare time when I'm not being paid. Can they still assess you without an informant?