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Need help understanding neurodiverse partner

NAS94922
1 month ago
  1. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 9 months. He’s very bad with dates and is often not that organised, this doesn’t necessarily bother me as I understand he struggles with this kind of thing and I don’t mind being the main organiser. However, recently he came back from a trip earlier than he expected, we haven’t seen each other in over a week. I asked him if he wanted to hang out earlier than the scheduled time we had (about 4 days later) and he said that he’d be too tired - I assumed this was a social battery thing and didn’t press further. However, he then mentioned that another friend had asked him to hang out and he was probably going to do that. 

  2. This is very confusing to me as in my NT brain if I hadn’t seen my partner in over a week and I was able to see them earlier I would take that opportunity. I am also confused as to why he is prioritising his friend in this situation - my NT brain automatically assumes he’d prefer to hang out with him than me, but he tells me all the time that I’m his priority and that if he had the choice between hanging out with me or other friends he’d choose me every time. His actions aren’t reflecting his words. If we had seen each other a couple days before this I would be completely understanding but we haven’t. So I guess I need help understanding why his ND brain thinks this way? I’m not upset with him, I just want to understand him better.
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  • 1 month ago
    NAS94922 said:
    if I hadn’t seen my partner in over a week and I was able to see them earlier I would take that opportunity.

    I think this is quite important - you seem to be expecting his behaviour to be the same as yours, but you've already said you are both different neurotypes. If he is very literal, he would know that you have organised your life around him not being there for X days, so if his plans change he would not assume you could adjust your plans at short notice, if that is what he would do. Have you said this, told him that either you are free or that you can change your plans to accommodate his change?

    I don't have a partner, but when I did have one, I always needed to balance couple-y time with alone time and friend time. This can be hard to keep a balance that keeps me healthy, in itself being exhausting, before I've even arranged to see someone! I stick to arrangements once they are made and rarely cancel. If I suddenly had 'free' time because someone cancels on me, I wouldn't think that another person could suddenly be available to meet me, so I'd stay home and read a book, or do something on my 'to do' list.

    Also he is not prioritising his friend's needs above yours, he is prioritising his own needs. At this moment he perhaps needs to see a friend more than seeing his partner.

Reply
  • 1 month ago
    NAS94922 said:
    if I hadn’t seen my partner in over a week and I was able to see them earlier I would take that opportunity.

    I think this is quite important - you seem to be expecting his behaviour to be the same as yours, but you've already said you are both different neurotypes. If he is very literal, he would know that you have organised your life around him not being there for X days, so if his plans change he would not assume you could adjust your plans at short notice, if that is what he would do. Have you said this, told him that either you are free or that you can change your plans to accommodate his change?

    I don't have a partner, but when I did have one, I always needed to balance couple-y time with alone time and friend time. This can be hard to keep a balance that keeps me healthy, in itself being exhausting, before I've even arranged to see someone! I stick to arrangements once they are made and rarely cancel. If I suddenly had 'free' time because someone cancels on me, I wouldn't think that another person could suddenly be available to meet me, so I'd stay home and read a book, or do something on my 'to do' list.

    Also he is not prioritising his friend's needs above yours, he is prioritising his own needs. At this moment he perhaps needs to see a friend more than seeing his partner.

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