Need help understanding neurodiverse partner

If it’s possible (and you feel comfortable with this)  I’d suggest a very calm and totally non confrontational conversation with your partner about this. I think that if there is trust and lots of good will between you you can hopefully have enough openness to ask your partner about this. Not in a ‘I’m annoyed’ kind of way, but more in a ‘I feel a bit unsure and would like to understand things more to help our relationship be happy’ kind of way. 
As long as your partner doesn’t see the conversation as a criticism then hopefully he’ll understand why you need a little bit of reassurance on this. Hell probably easily be able to put your mind at rest and then you won’t have to worry about it anymore. Good luck :) 

This is not my post but thank you for your reply, which could make me cry as i do understand my BF better now , and it is such a relief

NAS94922 said:

if I hadn’t seen my partner in over a week and I was able to see them earlier I would take that opportunity.

I think this is quite important - you seem to be expecting his behaviour to be the same as yours, but you've already said you are both different neurotypes. If he is very literal, he would know that you have organised your life around him not being there for X days, so if his plans change he would not assume you could adjust your plans at short notice, if that is what he would do. Have you said this, told him that either you are free or that you can change your plans to accommodate his change?

I don't have a partner, but when I did have one, I always needed to balance couple-y time with alone time and friend time. This can be hard to keep a balance that keeps me healthy, in itself being exhausting, before I've even arranged to see someone! I stick to arrangements once they are made and rarely cancel. If I suddenly had 'free' time because someone cancels on me, I wouldn't think that another person could suddenly be available to meet me, so I'd stay home and read a book, or do something on my 'to do' list.

Also he is not prioritising his friend's needs above yours, he is prioritising his own needs. At this moment he perhaps needs to see a friend more than seeing his partner.

Hey! I have a friend and he is diagnosed with autism, ocd and alexithymia. I can exactly tell you what the reasons for my friend would be to act like that. He often has the urge to say things back to people even without meaning it, because he trained this behaviour and got so much used to it. For him it would be that he would argument with still being on that trip, originally. So the time would be away from you, which would mean for him that you calculated that in so his time is kinda free to spend with others. My friend does not usually miss people. For him its enough to exchange 5-6 messages a day to have his "closeness bar" filled, even with people he is in a relationship. He has a very low need for contacts even if he really likes a person, as he knows the person is there and all is fine.

The way you phrased what he said it appears that you might require more attention than the friend. Maybe (thats an assumption and maybe very wrong) he has to partly function in the relationship which is exhausting for him. It has nothing to do with how much he likes it, its just a general thing.

Maybe when he is with you he knows the evenings get late and he was too tired for that and with his friend its a quick thing and maybe he didnt see that friend in a while and wanted to spend a smaller amount of time to keep the friendship going? I know my friend does that. He tries to spend with all friends a roughly set amount of time so he wont lose the friends.

I think there are too many options.

But one thing: My friend chooses what he does according to rarity, not people. That means if he could spend time with me, which he usually did very often, almost daily, and we set it up, he would cancel me for going to a BBQ with other friends. The reason for that is that the BBQ is less often than seeing me. Has 0 to do with how much he likes me, its just a logical choice for him depending on what he usually does more often.

Maybe when his friend asked him to hang out he didn't feel he could refuse - this might be the case if other friends have deserted him in the past for not doing what they expected. He might feel more secure in his relationship with you and more comfortable saying he would prefer to still see you at a later time as planned. Or maybe his friend suggested doing an activity that interests him, that you aren't interested in, and he felt that doing that activity would be relaxing. 

I'm just guessing here though - best way to know is just to ask him.

PS: I am sorry that I cannot help you more, I sometimes wonder if it is based on being focussed on what is interesting, and maybe for your boyfriend and mine, we have lost this appeal unless we join their 'interest/hobby'. what i mean by that is that now that they have established that they love us, they might not see the need to keep invetsing into the relationship. I am not sure- I am confused myself lol

I am reading this and that is exactly the kind of things my boyfriend would do. His words never match his actions. Up until yesterday, i was ready to accept everything to make him comfortable(as an autistic man) but after I wrote a post yesterday, people replied and I am not sure his intentions are as good as it seems. 

He has high-functioning autism. He struggles with social cues and is very literal. If there’s something wrong I have to tell him directly otherwise he won’t get it. He sees things very objectively. 

In what way is he neurodivergent?