Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm recently diagnosed both adhd (in December) and autistic (3 weeks ago) and, while I can see my autistic traits as an adult, I really can't remember a huge amount in my childhood. I'm 49 so it's been a long time since I was even a teenager and my mum has been filling in a few things, but I really don't remember a lot. I remember social stuff, like only having a small group of friends and preferring to be in the library rather than out in a huge group, but I don't remember how anything made me feel. Like I don't remember any sensory issues or meltdowns or anything like that. My mum says I was quite an anxious kid and I would get upset about odd things, but I really don't remember any of it. Anyone else late diagnosed and understand this? It's really frustrating when I'm trying to piece everything together.
I have a very poor episodic memory, which I understand is common in autistic people.
I remember endless facts and figures and whatever I am interested in without effort, but I don't remember my own life.
The amount of times people in my family have recounted something in my own life and I have no idea what they are talking about. There are previous holidays that I supposedly went on and have no memory of.
At work I am sometimes embarrassed when I ask "who is <name>" and it's somebody I have been interacting with for months and was just in a call with. But then someone asks me a technical question and I can tell them every detail of how it works and the exact code it had 2 years ago and why it was changed.
I began writing a diary/journal in 2015 and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I have been consistent with it, and I have an account of almost every day of my life for 9 years. I still don't remember any of it, but I like that I have a record. When I go back to read it, it's like reading someone else's life. I have no recollection of thinking or feeling these things. I don't even remember the people involved.
Being only recently diagnosed, it's interesting to read about the things I struggled with, and now I can say about most of my complaints "that was the autism". In some ways it's also sad though. I tried so hard, and failed so much, and didn't understand why it was so hard.