Published on 12, July, 2020
Hmmm.......so 4 months into my 'diagnosed' state (48yo), and I'm not feeling a whole heap of acceptance. I am still feeling quite bitter and resentful. Everything I see around me in life and at work seems to have been, and continues to be, designed with a slightly different species in mind.
I have started reading this forum more often, even though I'm scared of keep seeing my reflection in these threads, and am following some overtly divergent contributors on Facebook. I was skeptical that at my age, with my history, that I could somehow find 'inner peace' (I mean, really - what the hell is that even supposed to mean?), but at the moment I'm heading in the opposite direction. Those long-cherished hopes of finding the right therapy, the right antidepressant to 'sort me out' seem absurd.
I recall seeing a quite old entry on here where a user refers to feeling much better about the state of things 4 years in. FOUR YEARS? (yes, I am shouting). I don't think I can maintain even the current crumbling facade for another 3+ years. Especially now I recognize the effort I am putting in, and the energy this costs me.
The key (maybe only true) advantage really to the diagnosis is certainty about why you struggle, why most public environments are disabling to you while most actively thrive in them etc. And then letting it give you permission to stop making unfair comparisons or trying to fit in. It lets you start getting cleverer about what you will and won't do, how you will interact, letting go of guilt over needing rest and recovery that an NT prson might see as laziness etc. A thousand things will subtly change for you in time, but the basic fact of 'this world will not change overnight for me' remains in place. Depending on how open you want to be about being autistic, you may find that it gets you greater accommodation and understanding from some, though certainly not all, colleagues, friends, services, etc. For me that biggest thing was feeling validated by an official 'diagnosis', as my self-esteem wouldn't let me claim the identity for myself without external confirmation. For others, self-diagnosis works for them. The destination is the same. No magic bullet 'solution' (or, hopefully, desire for one - after all that's just conformity), but everything makes more sense and that's kind of priceless.. isn't it?