Published on 12, July, 2020
I have my chosen family. They love me and I love them. They don't socially reject me. They tell you that socialising is an important part of recovery. I'm quite asocial,but get bored with my own company at times. I'm no longer willing to make the effort to socialise. I don't need and want more social rejection. Not that I can do much socialising anyway, as I'm housebound without help.
I'm very much in to minds about friends, they need to be the right people and most of those I meet aren't, I've learned that I'm happier, if sometimes a bit starved of conversation, on my own than surrounded by people I have little in common with. I've spent so much of my life surrounded by people and feeling lonely as hell, wandering round feeling like my own ghost, haunting these social occasions, I never want to do that again.
I actually think that some of us are naturally less social and depndent on others, I enjoy my own company and that of my books, and my garden, I'd like more people to cook for, but thats about it. I have a dog to go on walks with and cats to cuddle, they do sometimes argue back at me, but they're a lot less demanding and hard work that humans. I know it sounds selfish but when I think about whether I want this or that person in my life and how close I want them, I ask myself whats in for me? The answer is often not a lot, I refuse to be the socially needy person anymore who fears rejection and has to mask and pretend to do things I don't like, to pass as a normal human being. I got to exhausted by it all to care anymore, why should I put myself through all that for other people? And that's who I'm doing it for, it was a big realisation to learn that I wasn't doing this for me, so I stopped and I feel much better, more whole and complete, I dont need another to make me whole, or some other romantic carp I am whole and complete within myself.