Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there, I'm not sure how to start this post.
I feel that I have become pessimistic when it comes to people. For context, I am an autistic woman in her early 20's; I have unfortunately had poor experiences in my life where I've been ostracised/bullied in secondary school and also verbally abused/gaslit by extended family. I've also had bad experiences with friendships where people always used me and took advantage of my kind-hearted nature. Because of these experiences, I have come to hate most people as I feel that the majority have ulterior motives and only want to befriend you or be in a relationship so they can take advantage of you.
One thing that kind of helps is I do have quality friends in my life (some of which are autistic) who accept me as I am, the same applies to my parents/aunt. I recently met an Italian guy online via Instagram; for context he follows my YouTube channel and Instagram account where I post art and gaming related stuff - he is also into gaming like myself and has the same socials/Twitch acc. When I talk to him, I feel a nice warmth inside because he understands me and he does show signs of autism/possible ADHD.
I feel that it is very hard to trust people nowadays and I often guard myself and don't talk about certain things like my mental health, I am used to faking that everything is OK so nobody judges me.
I used to say I hated people all the time. I can only speak for myself but the older I get the less tolerant I become to the people that try to take advantage and generally push me around. I just distance myself from them as their bad energy really makes me feel sad. I try not to waste energy on worrying about them and avoid any conversation, it’s better in the long run as I would only end up doing something to please them and beat myself up afterwards. I don’t generalise anymore and try and tell myself that most people are nice until proven otherwise.
My therapist asked me if I could choose something to change my life for the better what would it be, I said I would like peace and quiet. I’m happy that you have trusted people around you and that you may have potentially found yourself a companion.
Best wishes