our boy is about to be diagnosed with asd my wife is pregnant

Yes, certainly better support services and attitudes would go far in improving our lives considerably, and I advocate for this all the time. The campaigning for support side is all part of the Social model approach, which has  made fantastic inroads in terms of debunking traditional disabilist attitudes: the individual is in the wrong, they need to be fixed, society is not the problem.

However, even if society were more accepting and we had more support, many individuals with Asperger's would still experience pain (mental and physical) as a result of their condition. There is a danger that the Social model could go too far, and we forget that Asperger's is a brain based condition, with real physical differences in perception. In short, whatever society we have, many people with Asperger's will get frustrated that they cannot do the things they want to do because of their condition: make friends, be flexible, not be so nervous and easily startled.

Now, of course, every person with Asperger's is different, and none of us face precisely the same challenges. And this is why two camps have arisen: those who advocate pride in their condition and a strong aversion to any talk of cure; and those who see only negatives in the condition, but would still like more support and understanding. A related difference of view is the person first versus condition first rhetoric: 'I am a person with Asperger's', or 'I have Asperger's, versus 'I'm an autistic/an aspie'.  Therefore, my hopes that Science will find a cure for this disabling condition may well be at odds with another person with Asperger's view that there is no need for a cure.

I guess we need to accept we will never agree over whether Asperger's is a good thing. But at least we can agree that we all would benefit from a more accepting society, and this is what most of us are fighting for

Hope said:

While it is preferable not to have the condition, IntenseWorld is right in saying that, with the right support, any difficulties can be massively minimised and a child can have a happy life, and grow into a productive adult.

I'm not sure that I'd even go as far as to say "preferable not to have the condition".  It would very probably be easier not to have an ASC.  But, to paraphrase from Malcom Reynolds in Firefly, there is a difference between the losing side and the wrong side.  Would the world really be a better place without any autistic people?  How much are our lives made difficult by autism per se, and how much by a lack of appropriate support and facilities and/or the way that we are treated?  Should the latter be attributed to autism?  (Rhetorical questions)

For the OP, they have the big advantage of a diagnosis in childhood, and with what they've learned from the first child they'd probably notice and get an early diagnosis if the second child is autistic.  That increases the likelihood that they'll get the support that they need.  Even "severe" autism doesn't mean they can't be happy e.g. see the family with twins with classic autism in this video.  They have a lot of challenges, but they're happy: www.youtube.com/watch.  

To use a very "everday" example of how autistic people can enjoy life and contribute, I saw a video once about an autistic guy in America who got a job as a cleaner because he absolutely loved vacuum cleaners.  He even knew exactly what kind of vacuum cleaner all of his parents' friends had!  His dad said that this job was the equivalent for him of being paid to sit around watching TV and drinking beer.  Getting paid to do what you love like that must be everybody's dream!

zem said:

[quote][/quote]@Hope this is not about living up to examples of people on the spectrum who have made such achievements or comparing role models, it is about a panicking OP who needs to stop panicking and realising that there are positives as well as negatives.

True, but I'm not sure that this is best shown by the very atypical examples.  Extreme examples are useful to make a point, but not so much as a basis for planning lives because they are just that: extreme examples.  The odds are quite strongly against any of us or the OP's children becoming famous.  But the odds, with the right support, of an autistic person becoming a useful and valued member of society and having a fulfilling life are much better.  I'd rather think that all autistic people are valuable and can offer something to society, and deserve the right support to achieve this than think that maybe there is some chance that a few might one day be famous.

Also, as Francesca Martinez has pointed out very eloquently, anybody can become disabled at any time.  At the moment I am physically fit and able, but this could change any day.  What we need is not to try and avoid disabled people being born, but a society that accepts and accommodates all people and where all people are valued regardless of disability.

I don't think that speaking is necessary to be a part of society, or a part of a family.  People communicate in different ways e.g. www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnylM1hI2jc.

But you are still missing my point.  It's not about how much more 'whatever' those examples are, it's about the fact that OP's child/ren are not necessarily so much less and using slightly more extreme examples, illustrates that the possibilities are wide and he shouldn't automatically be assuming the worst.  Life is often based on luck (and sometimes a lot of hard work) and that is true no matter what condition you have.

Yes, zem, you have put across what I think well. Celebrity role-models are problematic because, by definition, they are exclusionary. We need a society that accepts all forms of autism, not just the very few who have achieved fame.

There is a genetic risk, but autism is not a foregone conclusion. There are many cases where autism affects only one child in a family, aside from the fact that people are affected in different ways. While it is preferable not to have the condition, IntenseWorld is right in saying that, with the right support, any difficulties can be massively minimised and a child can have a happy life, and grow into a productive adult.

Hi georgisdad

This page on our site covers genetics and autism www.autism.org.uk/.../the-genetics-of-autism-spectrum-disorders.aspx

If you need further advice do give us a call on 0808 800 4104

take care,
Anil 

IntenseWorld said:

@Hope this is not about living up to examples of people on the spectrum who have made such achievements or comparing role models, it is about a panicking OP who needs to stop panicking and realising that there are positives as well as negatives.

True, but I'm not sure that this is best shown by the very atypical examples.  Extreme examples are useful to make a point, but not so much as a basis for planning lives because they are just that: extreme examples.  The odds are quite strongly against any of us or the OP's children becoming famous.  But the odds, with the right support, of an autistic person becoming a useful and valued member of society and having a fulfilling life are much better.  I'd rather think that all autistic people are valuable and can offer something to society, and deserve the right support to achieve this than think that maybe there is some chance that a few might one day be famous.

Also, as Francesca Martinez has pointed out very eloquently, anybody can become disabled at any time.  At the moment I am physically fit and able, but this could change any day.  What we need is not to try and avoid disabled people being born, but a society that accepts and accommodates all people and where all people are valued regardless of disability.

I don't think that speaking is necessary to be a part of society, or a part of a family.  People communicate in different ways e.g. www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnylM1hI2jc.  

Children do not have a choice, and it often is unmanageable, particularly for secondary school children. Indeed, the masking can camouflage the struggles, but the struggles are still there, and doing untold damage to the child's psyche.

Heather had a choice. She surely would have known that sharing a house with 12 people would be hard, but she decided to do it anyway. Not many people with Asperger's would make this choice, so she is an oddity within the AS population (if indeed she really has the condition - America loves to medicalise these days). I just don't think that these Celebrities are representative of what most people with Asperger's would realistically achieve. Certainly we can achieve things, and this is all positive, but setting our sights too high will only result in a feeling of disappointment. Many typical young people are disappointed when they cannot achieve the much vaunted Celebrity, but with Asperger's it is even more unlikely.

@Hope this is not about living up to examples of people on the spectrum who have made such achievements or comparing role models, it is about a panicking OP who needs to stop panicking and realising that there are positives as well as negatives.

Sharing a house with twelve people, well females are usually pretty good at masking and how do ASC children spend 6+ hours a day with hundreds of peers in a mainstream school if it's unmanageable. You don't know what someone's private hell is when they go through those circumstances.  Did you not know Jahmene Douglas who was on X Factor has Asperger's?  Or Abz who was on Big Brother?  It's amazing what people can live through.  Doesn't mean it doesn't affect them at the time or perhaps later though.  And how does Darryl Hannah manage acting?

And I don't disagree regarding acceptance at all, but that wasn't OP's point.

The vast majority of people with Asperger's will not end up like Heather Kumzlich, who does not strike me as someone with Asperger's, having read about her and having viewed her on You-Tube. Indeed one psychologist, quoted on Wrong-Planet.com, thinks she has been misdiagnosed. Most people with Asperger's would simply not be able to deal with sharing a house with 12 other people, let alone entering the power crazy world of fashion. This is  of course just my opinion, but I can't help being sceptical.

Acceptance as individuals with Asperger's should not be based on what we achieve but on simply 'being', of existing as unique individuals in our own right who happen to also have Asperger's.

Better role-models, in my mind, are our peers. For example, I know someone with Asperger's who I look up to. He is not Einstein (far from it!); he struggles everyday with Asperger's, but still manages to hold down a part-time job, and he volunteers nearly every day of the week. This is what can be achieved with Asperger's, but it takes a lot of hard work.

Children who start off non-verbal can end up talking, just at a later age (e.g. age 7).

Watch this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YEhc1o8oKeI%20(communication is about a lot more than talking) and research Carly Fleischmann (the subject of the video).

Autistic children do learn more control over their behaviour as they get older.

Thanks for the answer,if is mild may be okay,but he is very difficult some time,and we still don't know is he going to speak and look after himself one day ?

the idea,that i may newer have a simple conversation with my boy just kills me.I'm trying not to bother my wife but we still have to discuss things.we can't sleep and eating properly

Hi 

Both my sons have ASC and they are truly amazing people.  Sure we have had a bumpy road and life can be challenging, but the rewards are so much more.  A psychiatrist once said to me that at least my sons won't be out setting fires to bins.  I know many NT's of the same age who are out drinking, doing drugs and having under aged sex.  I don't know any aspies who would break the law in these way.

However, one thing I learnt early on was never ask an aspie "does my bum look big in this?"  

Don't worry too much, enjoy their specialness.

Are you saying if the chance is high, you wouldn't continue with the pregnancy?

Your child, whether they have autism or not will be the same amazing little person they are either way.

Some notable people are thought to have had autism, inventors, scientists (Einstein) etc. And there are celebrities with autism such as Darryl Hannah (actress) and Heather Kumzlich (model).

What is it you are panicking about?

Odds are definitely increased for a child to be on the autistic spectrum if they have a sibling with it.  http://www.autismspeaks.org/science/science-news/autism-recurs-families-more-often-previously-realized

What you need is autism awareness, and to see it for what it is, a difference.  Yes, it can bring challenges, but with adjustments an autistic child can manage very well and some are the passive type, in which the greatest thing you would have to worry about is them being highly anxious and feeling unable to speak up about their problems.