Published on 12, July, 2020
At times I experience I don’t want to be around people, I hate people and I just can’t process or understand them being around me. I start to hate people bothering me, annoying me and basically being an irritant towards me even if they’re not talking to me, even if they are not near me.
These thoughts manifest, get stronger and my head starts getting filled up and then I start to feel overwhelmed with my own thoughts.
During these times I just want to lock myself away and at that time I could literally say to myself I want to be alone forever.
I could easily have thoughts of not caring about anyone anything and to not see anyone again. I think what helps at times is listening to music and not listening to anything else but music. It’s just like you know something is happening to you in the way you feel , but you don’t do anything about it even though you know something is happening to you and how you feel.
I feel that I never let myself be truly happy. Because my head is always spinning with information, with decisions, with complex problems. I feel like I hide myself away from people, I guess I hide my true self away from people because maybe they think I’m strange or I’m not supposed to act a certain way so I’m asking, I guess and a person would think I’m just miserable, but they have no understanding of what all these things are going on inside my head.
And when I have all these things going on inside of my head sometimes it’s hard to know what they are but you never reach a conclusion. It’s like a cesspit of information, thoughts and feelings. I guess you could say they are all in a bowl and it’s hard to navigate everyone of them and at times I just want to be on my own I don’t want to be around anyone and I’m having those feelings constantly.
I tried to mask everything with my facial expressions but my feelings come out into my facial expressions and then people ask me what’s wrong and what I’ve explained here. I can’t tell them because they would ask me question after question after question and the answers are not that simple.
For those that don’t understand, I find it very difficult to be with me because my state of mind can drop at the drop of a hat. Even the slightest thing of someone being late of one minute or two minutes that will stay with me all day and that would pick at me and I will feel anxious, I would try and talk about it but I can’t so therefore it builds up in my head and then on and on and on it starts to manifest deeply inside my brain.
The thing is people think I can come across rude arrogant I guess, but I’m not sometimes the responses that I give and the way that I give them I don’t I identify how I come across. I can’t identify how I come across to me. I’m coming across fine, but it’s other people perception that I am coming across a certain way. But people need to understand how I am how my communication is how I read facial cues because the fact is I find it difficult reading facial cues in what the person is saying, presenting themselves how they come across.
And I have always been like this and I always wonder what was happening to me or why am I like this, why am I acting like this. It was only in until I was diagnosed with autism in October 2023. This gave me an insight and at least some information to refer to and say to myself, oh yes, I understand.
My wife asks me do I really love her, do I really care? Do I really look after her. To be honest I’m not sure whether I love anyone or whether I want to care about anyone including myself. But I can’t tell people that because I guess I’m worried they might think I’m some kind of psychopath or am I actually incapable of feeling because I just don’t feel the same way to other people do.
Sometimes I just want to be in my own world and I don’t want anyone coming into that world. Yes I work, I meet people on a daily basis in my work but to me that’s different. I am able to change and step in the shoes to mask how I am. I have been masking for over 20 years so I believe that myself I am an expert in it and it doesn’t phase me but sometimes the people closest to me it makes everything difficult.
There is a lot to work with here and not a lot I think we can offer much practical advice with as so much is interconnected and profound for you.
The one thing I think you need badly is a therapist who is skilled in working with autists. Try to find one who has worked with a number of autists in the past and who is trained in the subject.
The reason for this is that you have a tangle of autistic traits that often cross over and impact on your life and are leading to your current state of burnout.
The things I would prioritise would be:
1 - the relationship with your wife. It sounds like alexithymia is the root cause of your emotional connection here and it is fairly simple to start work on this using the emotion wheel to start identifying what you actually feel. Connecting to emotions is an area where it is a gradual process so patience is needed.
2 - The rapid changes in your mental state are probably down to emotional regulation - also a part of alexithymia and I believe have a different approach to the emotional connection issue.
3 - Anxiety - the way you get overwhelmed so easily can be addressed through a range of techniques from mindfulness, meditation and even (in some cases) with medication. Techniques can be trained through your therapist.
4 - Your communication technique can be improved with practice via the therapist too - confidence through tackling the items above and more self-knowledge are also big contributers to this.
It is quite understandable that you want to be away from everyone - especially when you lack the tools and techniquest to keep your autistic traits under management. I still like my own company over anyone elses and regularly keep it, but with a wife in the mix you need to think how to balance this and the desire to be alone.
Once the personal therapy is over I would also suggest getting some couples therapy with your own therapist to help get your wife up to speed and to talk through how to balance the relationship in the light of what has been learned.
This will be a positive thing as you are not going into it to save a failing marriage but to improve it - a luxury few will have.
I hope some of this is helpful but feel free to ignore any/all of it.
Good luck in your journey - most of us here have been on a similar one at some stage so can identify and sympathise.
Thank you so much