Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
Please delete if I am not allowed to post this here, it wasn't clear wherether it would be so im really sorry if Im getting it wrong. I dont want to be in a safe space I dont belong in as a non autistic but neuro spicy person.
I am the partner of someone with autism (undiagnoised as yet but we have been sure for more than a year and a half). I have ADHD and dsylexia and dyspraxia (together we have the whole set)
There lots of challanges in a relationship like this, expected things like communication, showing affection ect. But after 8 years we are getting it mostly figured out.
Something can up recently that I need help with, I can understand his reason/he doesn't understand why he feels as he does so cant explain.
We are at the stage of viewing property together and whilst we have had a joint acount for years its currently not the main account and we both put money in for joint expenses. I would like us to have a main account that is joint, we can both have our own accounts for 'fun money'. he does earn more than me as I work for the NHS but I dont belive either of us feels that is relevent.
My reasons for are;
I want us to have a life together not seperate but side by side,
if/when i reduce my work for childcare it would impact my savings and future carer (I dont plan on us breaking up but as we aren't married it would leave me financially vunerable,
he has struggled with commitment and as said we aren't married yet despite talking about it (which surname, who to invite ect) for the last 7 years and for me it would be symbolic of us joining together more.
the last reason is that recently my laptop stoped working, he thinks I am too careless with my laptop (hello ADHD) and although there was no reason to think it stoped working because of anything I did I paid for a 100% of the replacement because he wanted to 'teach me a lesson'. I dont want that to be our lives, the power dynamic ect, honestly it was the most disespectful thing he has ever done.
his reaon against is;
he needs to been 100% himself to love somebody and somehow this challanges his identity
Can anyone help us understand what is happening, what the reasoning is because we cant work it out and so are a bit stuck
Thank you, and again im sorry if Im not allowed here
Once I bought a house with a girfriend, and we had a similar situation. Like your partner, I didn't want to lose autonomy of my finances, however I also did want to participate in what my girlfriend saw as normal. I also earned more money. The experienced lawyer doing the house contracts suggested this: Setup a joint account, and pay into it proportionally for the shared costs.I earned 3x as much, so I paid 75% of the shared costs, and she paid 25%. This worked out brilliantly as it was equitable. I kept control of my income, the shared costs weren't a burden for me. My girlfriend wasn't burdened with an unfair proportion.