I feel like not fully grown up/mature

I'll be 50 next month, but in some respects I still feel like I have yet to 'grow up' and become an adult. Sometimes, I feel that the way I think about things and react to things can be childlike. I distinctly remember an occasion when I had taken my son to a CAMHS appointment. There had been a man sat in the waiting room, and I had considered the sound of his breathing to be unacceptably loud and downright irritating. It wasn't his fault, but I can remember making a big deal about it to my son's psychologist (or whatever she was). Looking back, I can now laugh at how ridiculous I must have sounded to her, but I had found that man's breathing so intolerable that it had put me a foul mood for the rest of day.

One thing I know I don't cope well with is if someone raises their voice and snaps at me, even if it is probably justified. On the surface, I may be able to create the illusion of being calm and composed, but inside it's a different matter. It's like the child within me just wants to scream and shout, retreat to somewhere quiet and dark, etc, much like I did when I actually was a child.

It's rare for me to completely lose it in public, mainly because I find the fear of causing a scene and attracting unwanted attention too terrifying. I'll wait until I'm in the safety of my own home to un-cork all my pent-up anger and frustration. However, the amount of effort and energy required to appear calm and composed often causes me to feel physically and mentally drained.

I must admit listening to everyone's experiences is really helping me understand that I am not alone,  I was diagnosed when I was a child and never came to terms with it ,  to the point I have hidden it away for many many years.  I didn't want  want to be looked upon as different and desperately wanted to fit in and be accepted and loved,  resulting in me making some bad choices when it came to my social circle which left me feeling even more alone and feeling like crap,  all I wanted was to not wake up!  I had two bad relationships that made it worse ie being used and humiliated at times too! Thankfully now I have a lovely supportive partner that has over the last 15 year's helped me hugely to realise autism is part of me and goes to a greater way for him to be able to help me in my journey to self acceptance now,  he really helps me with setting my boundaries and routines and helping me with other things that I struggle with IE understanding adult responsibility s .  Don't get me wrong I still find it very hard to understand,  hence why I am here now trying to understand me and realise I'm not alone,  so it's nice to here all you have to say,  much of which I can relate to and finally tell someone and they understand or are going through themselves. 

The topic of nois that has just been mentioned regarding somes breathing is interesting because one of the top noises that instantly winds me up and has resulted on a couple of occasions shouting for them to stop is people who eat crisps,  I simply hate the sound,  my partner hast to go out of the room when he eats them and the other thing  not as bad but bad enough is certain  people's voices drive me up the wall,  now I can listen to people like for example Johanna Lumley or Steven fry all day long and find it comforting but you put  Alan carr or Louis Spence in tge mix id be liable to throw a brick at the tv .

We'll have to talk about Marvel some time. I'm just getting little moments on here when I pop to the loo (too much info, sorry). 

We'll have to talk about Marvel some time. I'm just getting little moments on here when I pop to the loo (too much info, sorry). 

Yes I'd be more than happy to talk marvel sometime