Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been reading "How to talk to anyone" by Leil Lowndes today. A lot of it is about success in business, but the first part is relevant to everybody. Although it's not written for autistic people, many who are not autistic also struggle with talking to people they don't know, particularly in formal or social settings.
The book states that "85 per cent of one’s success in life is directly due to communications skills." As autistic people struggle with both verbal and non verbal communication, maybe that's why so many under achieve in education or employment, and struggle to establish/maintain friendships.
Here are some interesting tips from the book:
Non verbal communication:The way you look and the way you move is more than 80 per cent of someone’s first impression of you. Not one word need be spoken.
The flooding smileDon’t flash an immediate smile when you greet someone, as though anyone who walked into your line of sight would be the beneficiary. Instead, look at the other person’s face for a second. Then let a big, warm, responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into your eyes. The split-second delay convinces people your flooding smile is genuine and only for them.
Eye contactYale University researchers found that when women told their personal stories to women, increased eye contact encouraged feelings of intimacy. But, it wasn’t so with the men. Some men felt hostile when stared at too long by another man. Other men felt threatened. However, just a couple of seconds of eye contact can make a person appear more sensitive and caring.
Hello old friendWhen meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old friend (or someone else you had great affection for) that you are meeting after a long time apart. The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your body from the subconscious softening of your eyebrows to the positioning of your toes – and everything between.
Limit the fidgetWhenever your conversation really counts, let your nose itch, your ear tingle, or your foot prickle. Do not fidget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or scratch. And above all, keep your paws away from your face. Hand motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you’re fibbing.
Keep an eye on your listenerAre they smiling? Are they nodding? Are their palms up? They like what they’re hearing. Are they frowning? Are they looking away? Are their knuckles clenched? Maybe they don’t. If conversation Partners step back or look away, they’re not interested in what you’re saying. When they think you’re a pain in the neck they rub theirs. When they feel superior to you, they steeple their hands.
Conversation:Worried about your first words? Fear not, since 80 percent of your listener’s impression has nothing to do with your words anyway. Almost anything you say at first is fine. Ask them where they’re from, how they know the host of the party, where they bought the lovely suit they’re wearing – or hundreds of etceteras. The trick is to ask your prosaic question with passion to get the other person talking.
The latest news … don’t leave home without itThe last move to make before leaving for a social event – even after you’ve given yourself final approval in the mirror – is to turn on the radio news or scan your newspaper. Anything that happened today is good material.
Never the naked city or jobWhenever someone asks you the inevitable, ‘where are you from?’ or "what do you do?" never unfairly challenge their powers of imagination with a one-word answer. Give some engaging facts about your hometown or occupation that Conversational Partners can comment on. Then, when they say something clever in response to your bait, they'll think YOU are a great conversationalist.
Ac-cen-tu-ate the pos-i-tiveWhen first meeting someone, lock your closet door and save your skeletons for later. You and your new good friend can invite the skeletons out, have a good laugh, and dance over their bones later in the relationship.
Comm-YOU-nicate your complimentsComm-YOU-nication also enriches your social conversation. Instead of saying ‘I like your suit.’ say ‘YOU look great in that suit.’
Be a conversation detectiveIf you say “Terrible storms we had last week, don’t you think?” and the person replies “It’s been good for the plants" don't automatically think they are trying to shut the conversation down. Instead, ask if they have an interest in plants or gardening.
Eavesdrop inStand near a group of people you wish to infiltrate. Then wait for a word or two you can use as a wedge to break into the group. For example ‘excuse me, I couldn’t help overhearing your discussion of Bermuda. I’m going there next month for the first time. Any suggestions?’
ParrotingNever be left speechless again. Like a parrot, simply repeat the last few words your Conversation Partner says. (For example, they say they went to see the show Sweeney Todd, you reply "Sweeney Todd"?) That puts the ball right back in his or her court, and then all you need to do is listen.
Wow interesting points. Also proves my point that there are too many rules to remember in life and I clearly wasn't given the manual
Keep an eye on your listener - I always have these kind of questions going round in my head usually in a panic but they are still there haha.
Limit the fidget - I've tried this one especially in meetings and it usually has me running for the door for escapism.
I might actually get this book. Thanks for sharing this
Rubix said:Also proves my point that there are too many rules to remember in life and I clearly wasn't given the manual
This is quite a common response from autists and in this day and age it seems a bit odd that we are not responding better to it.
When you think of our special interests - we can know an incredibly complex set of rules if it is something we are interested in (eg the ranking on locomotives, the rules of Quiddich or the song of the lesser crested marsh warbler) but when it comes to stuff that us useful in real life we are often terrible with it.
I'm not having a go at Rubix over this, but I am reflecting on possible reasons for this issue.
The material (books, web pages, podcasts, Youtube videos etc) is out there, easy to get a hold of and fairly simple to understand yet we rarely persue it.
Are we selfish and only study what interests us? Are we too shy to try to use it? Too afraid of getting it wrong? To inept to be able to take it in?
I'm tending towards the selfish/stubborn angle based on my experience with other autists but this is a small sample and I wanted to get others input.
Why do you think we are so bad at educating ourself over social interaction issues?
Definitely not from a selfish angle. I personally have read many self improvement books, but at the same time I sometimes wonder why I (or other autistics) should be trying to change ourselves to fit into 'society' to the point where it causes so much stress when really 'society' should be making more changes to understand and accommodate us.
I am often seen as a chameleon as sorts able to drift into most situations mostly learnt from past rejection and the type of work that I do. However, rarely do people know how stressful and exhausting it is to the point of burnout. On the rare occasions that I have communicated this to family or in a social setting, adjustments are rarely made as others just don't understand. The point I'm trying to make is education is required on BOTH parts Autistic or not. Realistically how many non Autistic people would run out to buy a book to understand Autistic people?
I can only speak for me. But I get aggravated when things "don't go my way".
As a semi-rational functioning child I figured out I was generally powerless to make things go "my way" all the time, quite quickly and thus was left with a life of unremitting aggravation, unless I did something to fix that.
Exactly 51 years later I'm still working that problem.
Iain said:Why do you think we are so bad at educating ourself over social interaction issues?
Because most of what NT people say and do is in fact "encrypted" at best, lies at worst, and even when it is explained to us we still don't get it.
IN addition I am learning that Autistic people myself very much included tend to be self deluded, perhaps even mendacious about how we actually present or interact with others on a day to day basis. My G/F told em abut an old episode of "doctors" she saw yesteray and she says she witnessed a problem that she has with me in this regard, which supplements a growing comprehension of the nature of Autism that I've been constructing through observeing my peer group here.
Also (speaking only for myself) at this point in time, this thread is composed entirely of "quality posters" (including the O/P) plus myself trying to punch above my weight as usual and is currenlty an example of what all the other threads here should aspire to be.
Thank you to everyone who has contributed to this thread, you've made me feel a bit better about this forum, and maybe life in general.
In my younger days I read so many self help books so it wasn't educating myself that was the problem, it was implementing it. Consciously controlling body language, eye contact, facial expression etc is something you can only do for so long and quite possibly never get right anyway because these things just aren't hard wired into us.