Published on 12, July, 2020
I've posted and deleted this once already, because I didn't feel I was making sense and I was afraid of people judging. But I'll try again.
I used to be very insecure in friendships. I was worried that my friend would desert me if they made a new friend, or that they liked their other friends more than me. It happened quite a few times (the deserting), although mostly with people I never cared for that much anyway. There were people I did care about, and I blamed myself because I thought I wasn't pulling my weight.
It was complicated with meet-ups. I was wrong to say to someone "I don't want there to be anyone else, just me and you hanging out", because they might have wanted someone there for support (which is completely fine). My fear of being the third wheel overrode that, which it shouldn't have.
My self-esteem wasn't there and I was so bothered about wanting to be welcomed by these people and feel worthy, that I didn't realise I was ruining it.
Does this make sense? I'm not excusing how I handled things, but I wondered if this was an experience anyone else had.
I'm with you on this. As far back as I can remember I've felt insecure about my friendships and panicked when my friend wanted other friends. Being clingy wasn't helpful. I think that because I've always struggled to make friends I was simply fearful that I'd get dumped for a better friend.
I got married at a fairly young age (by today's standards) and my husband was my one good friend, the one I could rely on. His brother used to get really annoyed by how close (clingy?) I was with my husband. We were married for a long time so I guess we did something right. I'm no better at friendships now than I was when I was a child. After my husband died I made a friend but she died a few years ago. Now I don't have a friend and I can't see any prospect of making one.
Yeah, I thought I'd be dumped for someone better. I probably could have taken the sign at the time but you live and learn.
I have had the tendency to be clingy. Sometimes the other person would say they don't mind, but then will come out and say the opposite.