Being territorial in friendships

Yeah, I thought I'd be dumped for someone better. I probably could have taken the sign at the time but you live and learn.

I have had the tendency to be clingy. Sometimes the other person would say they don't mind, but then will come out and say the opposite. 

I'm with you on this. As far back as I can remember I've felt insecure about my friendships and panicked when my friend wanted other friends. Being clingy wasn't helpful.  I think that because I've always struggled to make friends I was simply fearful that I'd get dumped for a better friend. 

I got married at a fairly young age (by today's standards) and my husband was my one good friend, the one I could rely on. His brother used to get really annoyed by how close (clingy?) I was with my husband. We were married for a long time so I guess we did something right. I'm no better at friendships now than I was when I was a child. After my husband died I made a friend but she died a few years ago. Now I don't have a friend and I can't see any prospect of making one.  

HMO said:

I kept trying to hold onto friends who didn't really want to be in my life anymore.

I've had long conversations with NTs about this in the past (luckily not where I was the person causing the issue) and it seems to boil down to this:

Clingy and needy friends are a major buzzkill to the mood, especially if they are not able to change themselves (common for us unfortunately). We tend to ratchet up this response when friends pull away and the spiral deepens ending up in a break up (silent or spoken).

Once we identify that we are the cause then the only real way to create a different dynamic is to learn to understand ourselves and how we respond to the situations. This typically needs a therapist to guide us through the process.

I think that by the time you identify that the relationship has got to this stage, it is already beyond saving as it stands. The best thing to do is apologise for what you may have said and done and that you won't be a problem any more - then back off and reflect on why you ended up there and work on yourself.

I don't think I've discussed that specifically. I was going to talk to her about everything I've said here in our next session, but it is complicated when the other person doesn't want to answer.

If I could go back in time, I would have made more of a point of creating an environment where I'd say "you can raise it with me if I've said or done something you're unhappy with, and I won't flip out". 

Yes, it is annoying when people don’t tell you directly, but throw hints. I finally understood that if someone does not answer, it means they don’t want to. Have you discussed this problem with your therapist? If not, I think it’s worth to do it. 

That was my problem, I kept trying to hold onto friends who didn't really want to be in my life anymore. They might not have said it explicitly (which, admittedly, is what I was waiting for) but they had dropped enough hints. For one, I was the only one reaching out, and they weren't returning any of my energy.

The will to be with one person is for a few reasons. I don't like the feeling of having to talk over someone else potentially or fight for their attention, which I fear I would fall into doing.

The person in question was not diagnosed autistic but was exploring it. I could have brought it up with them but I didn't because I didn't know what to say or how to say it, without the risk of coming across accusatory. 

I think the fact I didn't bring it up is probably because I didn't want to fight for it. I think I knew deep down that our communication styles are vastly different and that we had very little in common, but I had sort of trapped myself with the rather desperate way I would create friendships back then.

Hi I just noticed this thread. I felt the exact same thing for long time, but was unable to put it in words like you did it now. But I’m my case when I was rejected multiple times I just stopped trying. I assumed that it’s all my fault and I’m broken. I have a friend (not autistic, I’m not sure but I think she might be bipolar) we are together for 20 years now and there were some better and worse times. She has the exact same issue. She is always terribly worried that her friend will dump her for someone else who might be better than her. I think the biggest issue causing this is low self esteem. Mine is not high, but I somehow won with this kind of fear. I also let go those who didn’t want to stay. Trying to keep friends by force does nothing good. Another thing is the will to be only with one person. For us it’s obvious, we feel much more comfortable communicating with only one person, but for allistic people who don’t understand our struggles in social set ups it may look strange or even creepy if they don’t know you well. I do t know in your case if the person knew you are autistic and have this kind of need or not. In my case I didn’t tell my friend that I’m autistic but I just told her that whenever possible I would like to meet one on one with her to have time and space for us to talk or do something else.