Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
An issue has recently arisen in my relationship. I am F (35) and he is M (38). I have three tattoos from before we got together. I have always known/ suspected he didn't like them but thought it was just a matter of personally preference but after 9 months of dating, it now appears it is a BIG issue. His view is that tattoos are sign of disrespect to yourself and he hates that I must have felt in a bad place to get them. It seems he has been sitting on this for 9 months and we have had a week of tears, hard discussions and he just seems to be really struggling to get past it. He describes it as feeling like he has electricity running through his body.
At first, I found myself completely bewildered and a bit blindsided by the whole thing. I just couldn't understand why something I had done before I even knew him and frankly outdated views were being allowed to affect our relationship in this way. Up until this point, we both feel that it is the best relationship we have every been in - he is kind, thoughtful and loyal and we just seemed to click (on reflection that is probably because we hold similar values on most things)
Since the issue originally came up a week ago, he has had one session with a therapist. She apparently floated the idea of autism with him. He has never been formally diagnosed but he has said that others have said it to him in the past and now it has been mentioned, it feels like it would make so much sense and actually it helps me to see his view more compassionately. Also having thought about it some more, his rigidity of thinking applies to lots of areas of his life and I can see traits elsewhere.
I think he is going to carry on seeing this therapist which I hope helps but I am finding it extremely difficult not to feel angry, upset and judged. I am trying to exercise some patience but really am afraid that he will not be able to get past it. His view is that even if he cannot accept it then he would never leave me. I believe that he loves me a ridiculous amount and is completely committed (another one of his rigid views, that once you commit, that is you forever), but I just don't know how we could continue both feeling as we currently do.
I suppose what I am seeking is some advice on how to support my partner through what might be quite an unsettling period of self-discovery and any reassurance about whether it might be possible to see an alternative perspective on this particular issue.
Thanks.
I wouldn't agree that his views are 'outdated' as it's still ok to either like or dislike tattoos - we're all entitled to our opinion - but I am puzzled as to why he appears to equate getting a tattoo with disrespecting oneself or being 'in a bad place'. Perhaps he has known other people who he thinks got tattoos for that reason, or he has seen people 'in a bad way' (drug addicts or mentally ill people, for example) who had visible ones. Maybe he has been abused or bullied in the past by someone with tattoos?
I'm interested to know what you think and feel about your tattoos. Did you feel excited about getting them? Do you still like the designs, and do they have any significance to you? Has your current relationship made you view them any differently, and if so would you get rid of them if you could?
Maybe if you ask more questions about why exactly he feels the way he does, and clearly explain that his view of why people get tattoos wasn't your reason, and tell him why you did it and what you think about them, that might increase your understanding of each other. Tell him you feel judged by what he thinks - he won't be able to guess how you're feeling, he's having enough trouble identifying his own feelings.
You asked for advice to try to support your partner, but relationships are two way. You have identified rigidity of mind, which as you know is common with autism, but he needs to learn that he can be rigid in his beliefs - such as not liking tattoos - but he has to accept that others think differently.
Your relationship cannot survive you being permanently unhappy, so either he will have to accept you totally as you are or the relationship will have to end. If it comes to it, You might have to tell him that's what is going to happen. Sometimes we need a shock to make us realise what is truly important.