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Partner of undiagnosed, issue arising re a tattoo

NAS93519

Hi everyone,

An issue has recently arisen in my relationship.  I am F (35) and he is M (38).  I have three tattoos from before we got together.  I have always known/ suspected he didn't like them but thought it was just a matter of personally preference but after 9 months of dating, it now appears it is a BIG issue.  His view is that tattoos are sign of disrespect to yourself and he hates that I must have felt in a bad place to get them.  It seems he has been sitting on this for 9 months and we have had a week of tears, hard discussions and he just seems to be really struggling to get past it.   He describes it as feeling like he has electricity running through his body.

At first, I found myself completely bewildered and a bit blindsided by the whole thing.  I just couldn't understand why something I had done before I even knew him and frankly outdated views were being allowed to affect our relationship in this way.   Up until this point, we both feel that it is the best relationship we have every been in - he is kind, thoughtful and loyal and we just seemed to click (on reflection that is probably because we hold similar values on most things)

Since the issue originally came up a week ago, he has had one session with a therapist.  She apparently floated the idea of autism with him.  He has never been formally diagnosed but he has said that others have said it to him in the past and now it has been mentioned, it feels like it would make so much sense and actually it helps me to see his view more compassionately.  Also having thought about it some more, his rigidity of thinking applies to lots of areas of his life and I can see traits elsewhere.

I think he is going to carry on seeing this therapist which I hope helps but I am finding it extremely difficult not to feel angry, upset and judged.  I am trying to exercise some patience but really am afraid that he will not be able to get past it.  His view is that even if he cannot accept it then he would never leave me.  I believe that he loves me a ridiculous amount and is completely committed (another one of his rigid views, that once you commit, that is you forever), but I just don't know how we could continue both feeling as we currently do.

I suppose what I am seeking is some advice on how to support my partner through what might be quite an unsettling period of self-discovery and any reassurance about whether it might be possible to see an alternative perspective on this particular issue.

Thanks.

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  • I’m not entirely sure autism is solely a reason for disliking tattoos. I say this as someone diagnosed with asd and with approximately 20 tattoos. Personally it is no one’s business what I choose to do, or how I choose to represent myself be it clothes, piercings, tattoos. It’s a very old and outdated opinion to have and I find it highly disrespectful to form any sort of opinion on someone based on their looks. 

    It sounds like you love each other so I understand the above likely isn’t particularly helpful but I wanted to put a different perspective on it to the above poster. Even though I am in my 50’s I suspect my own father has similar views although he would never say this to my face. But it saddens me to think someone could be that shallow and feel that way about me, when quite frankly it is literally none of their business. 

  • in reply to Briar

    Autism isn't per se a reason for disliking tattoos, but autistic rigidity of thinking can make the reaction to someone's else having tattoos, if tattoos are disliked in the first place, more extreme.

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