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Partner of undiagnosed, issue arising re a tattoo

NAS93519

Hi everyone,

An issue has recently arisen in my relationship.  I am F (35) and he is M (38).  I have three tattoos from before we got together.  I have always known/ suspected he didn't like them but thought it was just a matter of personally preference but after 9 months of dating, it now appears it is a BIG issue.  His view is that tattoos are sign of disrespect to yourself and he hates that I must have felt in a bad place to get them.  It seems he has been sitting on this for 9 months and we have had a week of tears, hard discussions and he just seems to be really struggling to get past it.   He describes it as feeling like he has electricity running through his body.

At first, I found myself completely bewildered and a bit blindsided by the whole thing.  I just couldn't understand why something I had done before I even knew him and frankly outdated views were being allowed to affect our relationship in this way.   Up until this point, we both feel that it is the best relationship we have every been in - he is kind, thoughtful and loyal and we just seemed to click (on reflection that is probably because we hold similar values on most things)

Since the issue originally came up a week ago, he has had one session with a therapist.  She apparently floated the idea of autism with him.  He has never been formally diagnosed but he has said that others have said it to him in the past and now it has been mentioned, it feels like it would make so much sense and actually it helps me to see his view more compassionately.  Also having thought about it some more, his rigidity of thinking applies to lots of areas of his life and I can see traits elsewhere.

I think he is going to carry on seeing this therapist which I hope helps but I am finding it extremely difficult not to feel angry, upset and judged.  I am trying to exercise some patience but really am afraid that he will not be able to get past it.  His view is that even if he cannot accept it then he would never leave me.  I believe that he loves me a ridiculous amount and is completely committed (another one of his rigid views, that once you commit, that is you forever), but I just don't know how we could continue both feeling as we currently do.

I suppose what I am seeking is some advice on how to support my partner through what might be quite an unsettling period of self-discovery and any reassurance about whether it might be possible to see an alternative perspective on this particular issue.

Thanks.

Parents

  • As an autistic man who is the father of a child with tattoos I know how your partner feels. Tattoos make no sense to me, to my mind they are permanent disfigurements that have no function. My child was beautiful and is now less beautiful to me because of the tattoos. This is upsetting. If I or my family were Maori, or any other ethnicity where tattoos had a social relevance and meaning, I would have absolutely no problem with them. I would probably have them myself, but as a purely personal choice they appear to be pointless, whimsical disfigurements. I'm saying this just to give you an idea as to how an autistic person might regard tattoos.

    Autistic people are usually very loyal and honest. You are feeling the effects of the honesty, many allistic men would just not mention their dislike of tattoos, or any other feature of a partner, but autistic men may feel internally obliged to make things plain. It may also be that your partner has placed you on a bit of a pedestal, and the tattoos have marred his image of you. 

  • in reply to Martin

    This massively resonates. I expect my partner could almost have written this himself. I wouldn’t have got them if we were together at the time and won’t get any more now but I do have them and he knew I had them from early on (although he says he’d committed from that stage). He however could have walked away and didn’t and now I feel burdened by his views which I can do nothing about.

    i see you say you feel differently towards your children. It’s difficult to know what I can do about this whole situation at this point. 

  • in reply to NAS93519

    I know that, speaking only for myself, my perfectionism kicks in very hard at the time I notice that something is not exactly as I think it should be. However, over time I get used to whatever is 'not right' and learn to live with it eventually.

    I love my children unconditionally, nothing either of them could do could alter that in any way, but I can and do regret some of their decisions. 

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  • in reply to NAS93519

    I know that, speaking only for myself, my perfectionism kicks in very hard at the time I notice that something is not exactly as I think it should be. However, over time I get used to whatever is 'not right' and learn to live with it eventually.

    I love my children unconditionally, nothing either of them could do could alter that in any way, but I can and do regret some of their decisions. 

Children