Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been thinking recently about why I never thought I might be autistic until I reached my early fifties.
The first reason is that I didn't know what autism was, having grown up in the 1960s & 70s. I remember seeing "Rain Man" as a young adult, which is apparently what some people use as a stereotype for autism, but I just thought he was a savant.
I thought I was just a "normal" girl and then a "normal" woman. As a child I didn't have any developmental delays. I slept well. I wasn't fussy about food. I was good at reading and spelling. I enjoyed books, art and crafts, music and dance, and loved animals. I had some friends. As a young adult, I liked being at home but did also like to see friends and occasionally go out for dinner or to the cinema or a concert. I didn't stim, I didn't have any obvious problems with eye contact. I didn't like school and was bullied for a while as a teenager, and as an adult I was manipulated by and had misunderstandings with friends and family, leading to breakdowns of some relationships, but I just thought that happens to everyone. I did always have trouble controlling my emotions and cried a lot - but I was just sensitive. We're all different - right?
So, what is it that makes me autistic?I
Here are some clues:
As a child:
I had an imaginary friend (and later, an imaginary horse)
I had gastro-intestinal problems from a very young age
My reading was so advanced I was probably alexythemic (but nobody knew what that was then)
My interest in horses was obsessive (I read everything I could find about them, drew them, collected models of them)
I taught myself to play guitar aged 11
My friend groups changed a lot over the years and I was generally not invited to parties, or even to other friends' homes - I mostly only mixed with them at school. It didn't bother me.
I preferred the company of younger children, and of adults, to kids my own age
At junior school one day, on observing the rough and tumble play and apparent lack of empathy of some other children, I wondered if I was the only real human and they were all robots.
Despite being fairly intelligent, I under-performed at school and didn't do well in exams.
I always suffered in cold temperatures (if I get too cold, it registers as pain)
As an adult:
I now realise I censored my conversations with other women to suit their interests: mainly talking about clothes, hairstyles, make-up, celebrities, popular tv programmes, etc. Not mentioning my interests in sci-fi, Stephen king novels, music, computer games, etc.
I was always a "people pleaser" and I didn't know how to say "no" to a request, and ended up going to quite a lot of social events I didn't really enjoy.
I changed jobs a lot, due to problems with working relationships and feeling picked on by managers.
I've had lots of special interests over the years, including social sciences, food & nutrition and Interior design, and my main interests at the moment are reading fiction, computer games, and autism.
What were your "clues"?
I was also born in the 1960’s, it’s so interesting reading other peoples experiences, little bits that I had most probably buried resurface. In infant school I was playing chess while the other children were playing with plasticine. I always found adults more interesting.
As autistic people we are all so wonderfully different but connected, my reading and writing is totally opposite to yours, I still struggle to read and write, holding a pen is still awkward and my coordination is quite poor. Conditions like dyslexia and dyspraxia weren’t really accepted as existing, more concentration was just needed or I was just clumsy!
I always knew I was different and never fitted in, I wasn’t invited to parties but then again wouldn’t have wanted to attend anyway. At the age of 10 I actually bought a book, it was a boy’s handbook, I thought I could learn how to behave like the other boys and share their interests. I suppose I was teaching myself how to mask. It was like they all communicated in a secret code and I hadn’t been given the code.
I was 54 when I finally realised I am autistic, I still find it a strange thing to say. One day just by chance the radio was on in my workshop, two autistic people were being interviewed and explaining how autism affects their lives, they basically recounted most of my life. The research started that day. I felt elation, later a lot of sadness for all the “what ifs” throughout life and anger for not realising sooner.
I am married, have children, a job and drive. All things that some doctors still believe aren’t possible for autistic people. None of it has been easy but I feel better for finally knowing why I’m just different. I love the intensity of being fully absorbed in a special interest to the point where nothing else matters and it absorbs me. I don’t think the muggles can ever feel that.
I’ve used this analogy before, as a child I felt like the “Ugly duckling” on the pond, it turns out I was different, I became a swan, all the rest of the pond will always just be ducks.
Just love that analogy but I just wanted to be a duck!! or that what I thought!! Now I must embrace being a swan.
I tried to be a duck for well over fifty years, and shaking off that deep, deep sense of failure, is not an easy thing.
Worse, is that after fifty years of failing at something, one gets used to "failing" and I find I have a tendancy to simply not recognise success when it comes along!
Yes.....what you said.