Published on 12, July, 2020
I've joined this forum because I'd really like some advice on how to help my future Step-daughter. She is an Autistic Adult and her father and myself are due to marry later this year. I'm finding it difficult to understand her behaviour (silence and the appearance of sullen moods) and want to try to understand things from her perspective.
I know having me move into her home will be challenging, especially as she has been on her own with her father for a few years now and having to share him with someone else is proving difficult. We are redecorating the home and we have included her in the decision making, of colours, design etc, where we can.
My real issue is that she struggles when her father and myself show any affection towards each other. What can I do to make the transition easier for her please? Would welcome discussing things through with someone privately, if it is allowed. I'd just like to help both myself and her in this new phase of our lives. I'm sorry if this isn't the right way to do it, I'm just at a loss of where to go for help. If this isn't appropriate then I apologise; please point me in the right direction, thank you.
My parents were not affectionate in front of me, and even if I'm out with others, it's uncomfortable to see that kind of stuff in general. Maybe keep the affection between the two of you in private, but not directly in front of your step daughter. I mean, imagine if your father dated another woman, and then you see them being affectionate right in front of you? Wouldn't that be a bit uncomfortable?
I'm not sure if the step daughter has high needs, or low needs, but I guess you'll find out through the father and through experience. She might have low sociability, she may have special interests, and she may have certain daily routines that she follows to feel comfortable. I imagine that it might be awkward for some time, but that might settle once everyone knows a bit more about each other.
A lot of the issues are probably stemming from the change she is experiencing (something us autists struggle with typically) so it would be worth thinking about what is changing for her and how to make the new situation attractive to her.
The following guide should help a lot in getting her engaged in things:
https://www.wikihow.health/Help-an-Autistic-Child-Cope-with-Change
Getting her father to be a part of this process and familiarising her with your displays of affection are also worth planning for - work out what her sensitivites are around contact and affection (ask her father) and wean her onto sharing these with him - having her trusted parent coach her through the new normal will be a big part of it.
I assume there was a mother before you so don't try to assume the position of the "new" mother - just be you and don't ask her to call you mum - maybe treat her more like a young sibling if you can and that may defuse the "you're not my mother" response that is a common one.
Autism tends to be hereditory so if her father is also autistic then he may struggle with some of this too - there are all sorts of relationship considerations around this too, but he would need to be willing to test himself if he hasn't already.
If he consents, a good, free and quick test is here:
https://www.thevividmind.org/blog/test/autism-test-online/
No need for a forma diagnosis, just a good indication will tell you if that rabbit hole is worth going down.
Lots to consider there, but good luck with the process.