Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello. New to the forum. Not officially diagnosed with autism due to waiting lists and such, but heavily suspected of being autistic.
Not been in work since July last year. Just got a new job. This week was my first week. Procurement in the NHS. My sort of job. Working with numbers and hidden away in a stock room either putting stock away or ordering it. Enjoying the job so far. However, I'm now exhausted. All week, I've met new people, tried to engage in conversation, tried to make a good impression. I had forgotten how exhausting it is. The most simple of interpersonal exchanges are exhausting, and when they're done I'm left ruminating on all the micro-movements of the facial muscles, the hesitance in the voice of the other party, the clear discomfort that builds as we talk more, and what it was I actually did wrong in brief exchanges that, to me, at the time felt normal. I've come away from the week having encountered some lovely people who seemed enthusiastic to meet me only for them to now seem uncomfortable to be alone with me. All I've done is just try to make conversation and be friendly, but - as a therapist once told me - it seems like I put people off because I simply, albeit unconsciously, do not engage like neuro-typical people do, and my facial expressions, eye contact and pattern of speech, while all unconscious, send a message to the neuro-typical that something is wrong and they, unconsciously of why, feel uncomfortable around me.
I ended my day today before the bank holiday to two interactions with two people who had initially been enthusiastic and now either seemed uncomfortable or just blew the conversation off ASAP. And that's when the loneliness returned, the feeling of not fitting in. I tried to talk to a family member about it, but wasn't understood and then the loneliness and feeling of being out of place was compounded. I've spent the evening feeling exhausted, but also low because I'm struck with this fear that now I'm back in the workplace, I am again going to be the weird guy, the outsider, the one that everyone sort of likes but isn't willing to get too close to because there's something just a little off. At 34 years of age, I'd rather not be that again because it has been something I have always had to struggle with.
I apologise for the rant and for being a buzzkill with my first post, but wanted to air my feelings in a place where I may be understood.
Any replies welcome. Any similar experiences. Any advice.
And nice to "meet" you all.
I haven't looked into it, but if they do I imagine I'd need an official diagnosis.
Yes thats fair enough, I think by nature we tend to be a little more private than most. I've grown more confident in recent years, but in my early 20'ss to early 30's even, I don't think I'd have been willing to share.That said, in my company at least there are specific employee engagement groups on topics of neurodiversity and disability, of which myself and a few colleagues are members. I feel there is a real receptiveness from companies and people within them to learn, but its such a big topic its hard to know where to begin creating the same climate of acceptance as might exist around someone's race or religious beliefs etc.Does the NHS do anything to help encourage integration and support for non NT employees?
And you. Always happy to hear your experience if you ever want to share.
Not sure. I'm a very private person and don't often share much about myself, even with those I'm closest to.
BigAlHan said:I am again going to be the weird guy, the outsider, the one that everyone sort of likes but isn't willing to get too close to because there's something just a little off.
This is the uncomfortable truth that so many of us here (myself included) experience most days of our lives when we have to mix with others.
My advice is to learn to accept it - own who you are. If you are the odd hermit in stores that does a good job but is weird to talk to then be that person and stop wasting energy of trying to be someone you are not.
Focus on the job, accept that socially you will be on the margins and so long as you can deal with this then accept that you are saving yourself a lot of hassle by not trying to navigate the social minefield.
Once I learned to do this I found I had a load more energy and could do my job a lot better while being able to leave work with a spring in my step at the end of the day.
Sorry to hear about your situation, I can relate a great deal. Over the years I've been able to acclimatize to my work environment (39 now), but I still have days when I have interactions with people which make me feel awkward and something of an outsider. I've come to accept that some people might not "accept me" but to keep at it - I've worked in the same company for 10 years and have been lucky enough to make a good half a dozen friends, some of which I think will be lifelong. Many others may consider me a bit odd, but so be it.Once diagnosed, do you think you might feel comfortable telling colleagues etc about your condition?
Hi, I think this will be very familiar to a lot of people here - I can't share my experience right now but nice to meet you
Hi, you could go to the appropriate section (Introduce Yourself?) and there should be a Start Discussion button at the top.
Hi sorry to jump into this link but can anyone tell me
how I go about asking a question? As there doesn’t seem to be anywhere I can post a question?? Thank you
I understand exactly what you mean. It's hard isn't it because there are so many people who just don't understand how you feel. I constantly feel like I don't fit into this world and my word it getse down