Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm suspecting I am on the autism spectrum, because my daughter is, and understanding her needs made me realise a lot more about myself seeming very similar. So I've been thinking a lot about what I actually do and how it wasn't as "normal" as I thought. One thing I do is basically have conversations in my head a lot, like I'm trying to imagine what the confident, neurotypical version of me would be like, does anyone else do this?
To explain further, here is what I mean. Depending on who I want to talk to, I'll feel different levels of anxiety - the more familiar I am with someone, the less anxious I'll be. But every time I will still follow this pattern:
I just don't imagine a neurotypical person doing any of this.
Hi! I do al of those things too!! I often walk through conversations in my head but often chicken out when it comes to the actual conversation and don’t end up saying what I want to or planned. I’m really anxious about getting it wrong and one way I mask is by people pleasing and saying what I think they want to hear. I also spend ages puzzling and agonising over conversations afterwards- even conversations with friends. I worry I might have said something wrong or too much or I worry about what other people meant. It is really bad when I do not know whether the other person is the direct and honest type… because then I have to worry there could have been hidden meanings i missed
Ann, I go through every conversation in my head afterwards looking for hidden meanings and things where I've said the wrong thing, it's exhausting and one of the reasons I limit social interactions.