Published on 12, July, 2020
Are things better? Yes. I've lost weight, I got a stylish haircut, I comb my hair every day, have baths more regularly and use deodorant every day, have more new clothes, I shaved off an unkempt beard, I eat more freshly prepared meals, relations are less strained with my parents, I'm less depressed than I was, I have more energy to do things and enjoy hobbies I'd stopped enjoying like reading, watching TV and doing research.
However, I'm lonely. I know alcohol isn't the answer. I will no longer make excuses about how alcohol can fix things, it will not. I've joined a new National Autistic Society social group where I live and will keep going, hoping for the best. I've only been once and only two other Autistic people attended, there were two people running it as well (it's possible they were Autistic too, for all I know).
On the bright side, three women in local supermarkets I shop at have complimented me on my appearance, one of them said I looked like I've had a makeover, another said I am looking really good and she could hardly believe I was the same person. There's also a man I know who had chatted to me a few times when I was a drunk and he saw the new me and was taken aback and asked me if he could have a selfie with me.
I still have severe anxiety and struggle to demonstrate empathy for others. I'm still finding it hard to make conversation with people and it is often stilted and terse.
Two positive things, the next time I go to the GP, they can not dismiss any of my problems based on alcoholism as that will no longer be relevant, and social services had told me if I got sober they would be looking into giving me one-to-one support so that could be in the pipeline, I asked my social worker at the last meeting and he said I need to be sober for a bit longer first.
I have stopped drinking alcohol as well.
What started out as a coping strategy to deal with stress, burnout and loneliness transformed into a habit and then drinking increasing amounts over the last few years. I realised it was a problem, but kept going back to it.
Had numerous health issues related to it and now I seem to have done permanent damage to my body. I'm past the hardest part now and my body is beginning to heal, but I'm having a lot of feelings of self-loathing and guilt over what I've done to myself.
I wish the NHS had helped me. I asked my GP multiple times if they could help me but they are so overburdened and underfunded that I basically don't matter. Anyway, I have stopped now (hopefully won't start again) but the damage is already done.
If you want to talk about it, I'll try to listen. I can understand your frustration with the NHS. It's good you stopped.