Published on 12, July, 2020
I’m sure nobody likes conflict but I feel that as an autistic person it’s something I handle particularly badly. I get into a panicky state and I am quick to apologise, even over-apologise, whether I am in the wrong or not. I become overwhelmed with guilt and self-hate. The last conflict I led me to experiencing signs of (passive) suicide ideation as I felt so bad about myself. I won’t call out the other person’s behaviour as I just want to “fix” the situation as quickly as possible. Instead I roll over for them and allow them to walk all over me. I really hate that I’m like this, it makes me feel so weak and pathetic.
I find that I cannot look at a person who I have had a conflict with for some time afterwards. I imagine that I have to process what happened, before I can look at them again. I don't mean look them on the eye, I mean look at them at all.